Take a deep breath! You should expect to go through a period of intense hurt right now -- know that it is temporary and will pass, but you must go through it. For me, I couldn't eat, I had dry heaves, I couldn't sleep, it was awful -- but it passed! Know that in 6 months, no matter what happens, you'll be in a much much better place, you have to get through to then. I got a prescription for anti-anxiety meds from my GP which did help somewhat. You should expect to go through waves of deep hurt. Eventually they will come less frequently, they won't last as long, but the last thing to go will be the intensity.
Here are a few other things to think about: (1) you will never know everything that happened (2) your imagination will fill in the worst possible interpretation of events and fill in gaps in your knowledge in the worst possible way. You will assume that everything was more dire than it was. You've seen this already with imagining that OW was having sex in your bed. That came from your imagination, and there will be more of that.
Trying to know everything will torture you. You'll ask a question and get an answer, then you'll obsess about that, and then you'll want to know tons of add on details, then you'll want to know how frequently it happened, etc. etc. etc. and unfortunately, that NEVER ends until you decide to end it.
Think also about H -- remember, believe half of what they do and nothing they say. H says he'd like to recommit, he may still very much be torn. If you present him with guilt, shame, and recrimination each time you interact with him, and OW is earnestly trying to get him to commit to her by telling him how wonderful he is, you're creating a difficult dynamic. When you discuss the details of H's affair you are making withdrawals from your marital "love bank", because those interactions make him feel like cr@p. Be sure you're making deposits as well by virtue of continuing to exhibit 180's and positive changes.
You will have the opportunity to ask your questions and voice your outrage, but you may want to find the strength to hold off until you know that H has gone "no contact" and that OW has moved on, and that H has started to see more positives in a future with you by virtue of your changes. I guess what I'm telling you is that you're getting positive signals from H, but don't wave the victory flag yet and start acting on the basis that you can extract your pound of flesh for his affair. For your questions -- journal them. Batch them up, review them, revise them, and be sure when you talk to H about them you are succinct. I would "schedule" these discussions with H by giving him advanced warning that you want to ask some questions and give him some time to emotionally prepare. Once again, I strongly recommend you hold off for now, until your relationship is on better footing and OW is conclusively gone.
H pictured a better future without you -- you've been doing a good job so far of showing him that he's made some assumptions about you that may no longer hold. Continue to do so, you need to be a wife that only a fool would leave.
Do not gloss over this part of what you posted above:
Originally Posted By: jks
...the marital problem is not the cause of the affair, but there are defects that at the very least, serve as inhibitors to the betrayer's motivations to consider working on the marriage.
Keep repeating to yourself, OW is not the cause, she's the symptom. There was room for OW because things were broken between you and H's needs (and probably yours too) were not being adequately met. If you focus on OW and the affair, then those root causes will not get their due consideration and you will be back here.
It's easy to feel indignant and self-righteous about what's happened, and to take out your anger on H. That will feel good in the moment, but as Crazyville points out, it may not feel good longer term, and you need to take the longer view right now.
Do a gut check -- what do you REALLY want? Do you want H back and your marriage improved, or do you want to punish H for what he has done and move on alone? Consider that, decide, and then make sure your actions are consistent with your goals.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
