I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[breakdownbill]

Much of what you said to your W, are things my H has said to me. He wish he had stood up to me more, and not given in so easily - hence he sees me now as controlling the R. Again, I never saw it that way - but I respect his perspective. Do you think your W sees you as a wuss? I never saw my H as a wuss. He thinks of himself that way - not me. However, he did clearly lose some self-esteem just for the sake of keeping the peace.



So, back to you - stand your ground. Maybe that is your 180 where your W is concerned. She might kick up a fuss at the beginning, but she will get used to it if you are consistent. However, all be sure to listen to her and let her have her own life as well. After that, who knows - you might inspire the admiration you BOTH require

Hi YC

Thanks for your reply, what you were saying about how your husband felt, is exactly how I felt. When you have in the back of your mind that you know if you get into an argument or disagreement about something, that your partner will never back down it really knocks your confidence. It stops you from being the person you are out of fear of confrontation, so you stop being spontaneous and question what you do, and before you know it when there was an opportunity to do something it passes. When this is mirrored with your W's taking charge & planning all your time together, sandwiched with a resentment for this & you avoid conflict when they are upset. Well you get the picture it's a cycle that stops a man, from being a boy. What I mean by that is that it kills your sense for adventure and de-motivates you in a way you wouldn't believe. The sad thing is that because guys don't about their feelings with other guys we just accept our lot & carry on in ignorance.

Although yesterday was awful it ended well. (I think). My W apologised for sending the text and said that she really wants to still go, but just felt bad that I'd paid for the entire holiday & thought I might not want her there. I was really upset about this, so she picked me up from the library @ UNI with the kids. We had a good talk, we did get onto the subject about separation & it did look like it was going to turn nasty at one point, but I backed off and we talked about what we wanted from a Relationship & agreed that we wanted the same things.

We were friends again & when we went to bed. I turned ro my W and said, 'You know what's rubbish about these arguments?' my W says, 'What?' I said , 'no make up sex' she laughed and said, 'I'm so horny but it's wrong' and we kissed and did have that make up sex, that wasn't really make up sex. No because I initiated this, this was a 180 in terms of initiating this & my W loved that. So I feel that I've refreshed my W's memory as to how things could be.

Anyway, I think we cleared the air about a load of issues and I said to her that I wanted to keep working on myself and explained that I was liking how I'd been feeling, by trying new things & that I loved my new outlook on life. My W said that she could see a dramatic improvement in the way I do things, how I am with the kids and that she is really proud of me.

There were many positives & negatives to come out of the day. It is a rollercoaster, but I honestly think that detachment is not for me if we are living in the same house. I will probably agree to a temporary separation in May, if my W still feels the same way.

I know I broke a lot of rules, but honestly detaching whilst living in the same house was not working & I feel I was right to stop. I honestly feel that if my W is happy & can see the changes in me prior to any possible separation, she will realise what she is missing.

I'm going to keep working on my goals for me and spend my time better.

Thank you YC for your post, that really helped me get a perspective on my feelings. We even discussed OM & my W said that she hadn't been in contact with him for over a fortnight & that it is over. She did say that she is going to carry on dancing with him and be friends with him. I said that I can totally understand the dancing and that I trust you. I said that I don't control you or any of your decisions, and that she knew how I feel about her.

I am hoping that whatever happens over the next few months we continue to get closer & that our holiday puts our R in a different light.

These are hopes, not expectations which are low - but there are positives & signs that this can still work.

Bill