I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[Denver_2010]

Ugh, sorry to hear that you've had a bad weekend Bill.

If you haven't already, you need to take a deep breath and regroup.

IMO, and this is JUST my opinion Bill, but it sounds to me like your W is emotionally wrapped up with OM. Most definitely an EA and most likely a PA as well. From experience, the EA part of things is worse than the PA... at least in regards to your chances of reconciliation.

I'm not saying that reconciliation can't happen, but as long as she is emotionally attached to OM, you are not going to get anywhere. This has been, by far, the most difficult obstacle in my situation.

You're going to need to decide whether or not you want to wait this out Bill. Most affairs do not last. That's what the statistics say... so I hear anyway. I've heard that the average amount of time it takes for an affair to end is 6 months. I can't say that is true in my sitch, but it was only about a month before serious cracks began to show. I think that had I handled things just a bit differently, I could have cut down the amount of time that it has taken. But that is a different story.

It's the emotional attachment that you need to be most concerned about. OM is providing something for your W that you have not been providing. Or, at least that is generally the case. Take some time and think about that. What is it that this guy is giving her that she has not been receiving from you?

If and when the time ever arises, you are going to need to be prepared to begin giving that to her. I don't think that now is the time.

Have you read the chapter in DR about the Last Resort Technique (LRT)? If not, I'd suggest skipping the rest and going straight to this. I'd suggest that you begin LRT now.

I know that you are disappointed that your W does not want to go on the family vacation. But do you really want to go with this person as things stand now? I'd suggest telling her that she is right, that she shouldn't go. But that you are going to go.

You're going to need to detach big time now.

As for her asking for divorce goes? Well, I guess it depends on what you decide about waiting things out. If you want to save your marriage, then, IMO, you need to buy as much time as possible. So, don't bring this back up. If and when she does, I'd suggest telling her something like what I told my W when she brought up the D word:

"W, I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."

As for what I mean when I say "lovingly detach"? When I asked what this meant, the best definition that I got came from Jack3Beans. He said (I fixed his spelling errors - You're welcome Jack!):

"Lovingly detach...Pretty word that 'lovingly'. Beats angsty I suppose. To me detach means to not get drawn into their drama, not allow yourself to react to their bad actions either directly toward or in directly. Lovingly, I suppose means... If you child was throwing a tantrum for no reason, you'd ignore them (possibly), but be around and comfort them later when their tantrum was over."

I feel like I'm all over the board with what I'm telling you Bill and not being as clear as I'd like. Part of the problem is that you are still in the same home as your W, and I was not. It was easier for me to detach (not saying that it was easy or that I was all that successful). And it was easier for me to go dark on my W when I needed to. I would suggest that as well, but it is not going to be easy with her in the same home as you. So mainly, you need to stop engaging her in conversation, and when she engages, be polite, but don't get drawn in. I actually think that not asking her about her doctor's appointment was good (unless it was a life threatening thing of course). Stay away from R talk at all costs right now. Be a good dad, GAL as much as you can, especially away from home if you can. Detach, detach, detach... try to have a positive mental attitude... and if you can't, fake it til you make it. She needs to see that you are a positive thinking person and that you are upbeat, even if things are cr*ppy for you right now. No one wants to be around a depressed person. If you need to cry or be upset, go for a drive, or go for a walk. Don't do it in front of her. No more temper tantrums in front of her. you are right, they are damaging, and definitely not what you want to be doing.

Go read the chapter on LRT and come up with a plan as to how you are going to implement it. Set a time frame on which you are going to stick with your plan, say 2 weeks, and then reassess.

You need a plan, a strategy, and then you need to stick to it.

Denver