Needing some guidance...

[jks]

So H texted me about the kids today and I started to ask him a lot of questions that have been bugging me today. One being that I wanted to know if he had slept with OW in OUR bed while I was gone on my trip and she had come over to help him move. He said no. Nothing happened while I was gone.

I then asked him if he had talked to her yet, he said no, he's been so sick and was called out to work at 4:00 this morning so he hasn't had the energy and has been sleeping all day.

I asked him if his parents knew about his A. He said no.

Then I told him that I felt like the ultimate breakdown of our M was because he was so focused on being with OW that he couldn't see anything in me. No matter how hard he tried, he kept comparing me to her and because she was "everything he ever wanted" then there was no way I could even compete. And I told him that he is a hypocrite because he kept telling me that he wanted me to find happiness within myself when all along he was trying to seek out happiness through someone else. He was relying on her to make him happy. So therefore, he sleeps with her to find his happiness. Was it there?? NOPE!! He agreed with that statement, btw.

Sure glad he got the chance to try that out. Wish we all had that luxury of sleeping around until we find what makes us happy. This is such a messed up world we live in. What ever happened to self control and human decency?? Can you tell I'm angry tonight?

I have no idea how to handle myself right now. In a way I don't want to make him feel worse because I know he has enough guilt to last him a lifetime but in another way I feel like why should I make this easy on him? I am the one who was chewed up, spit out, stomped on and then rolled over by a freight train. I am emotionally exhausted and a couple days ago I felt like we were making some headway and now this brings everything back to square one again.

I am so worried that he's going to change his mind at any moment. Any moment! He's out the door and ready to give up. He's already done it once, why wouldn't he do it again? And now he knows that he has someone to fall back on if we don't work out. This is bad. I don't know how God could think that I'm strong enough to handle this. I am a mess...