WEll stbx still continues to be consistent with positive actions. I had made the choice to go a little dim in order to help myself with detatchment so I can get a grip on my own confusion about things. It surely helps me to get different perspectives, but sorting my feelings out about stbx still remains a struggle. I wish I could just be indifferent.
H promptly informed me of his work schedule, 5 days ahead of time instead of 24 hours ahead of time like last week. This was very nice, for it gives me and the kids a mental preparation time of when they'll be gone. I didn't respond. He then text me two times that D12 was staying home sick from school last friday. I knew this of course because D12 had informed me that morning she wasn't feeling well. I still didn't respond.
Later that day I did have to text stbx about a new change in my work schedule next month. I normally work a day shift but will have to work a PM shift 2 days a week for 2-3 weeks starting mid April. I told him I wanted to let him know incase he wanted to try and re arrange his schedule to help out with the girls, but if he didn't I would manage.
What I really expected to hear was that he couldn't change his schedule and the girls were just going to have to stay with OW..alone at his place, or I find other arrangments for the girls. Blow me away stbx texts me back and says he will work on getting certain hours during those days or get those days off so he can be there for the girls since I have to work.
Guys... I gotta let my guard down and say that he has gone above and beyond what I didn't think even existed in his heart anymore. Believe me, I don't get impressed easily, and as of now Im starting to feel a little impressed by stbx. What Im beginning to wonder is if he's seen the damage caused and he's trying hard to repair what ever is repairable? Or does he like feeling like top dog in his own house and this one too?
What stood out to me is that he seems to truly understand and respect the girls feelings in regards to OW now, even though he's still with her. He focuses on the girls when they're with him and OW stands back and doesn't interfere.
I think what's actually wigging me out is that he seems like he's starting to speak my love language a bit. My main love language is words of affirmation and acts of service. I think his are acts of service and quality time. He's been great at communicating if it's just about the kids for now. He actually paid me a compliment at the hospital last month and told D9 she should be thankful to mamma for sleeping on a cot all night next to her. I guess he told D9 Friday about a funny joke he pulled on me the first year we were married. D9 told me about it when I picked her up from school. Plus all the offers to help with the kids are a serious act of service for me given I've been doing it by myself for years!
I can tell you that I fell in love with my husband all over again, more than once when i saw the love he had for his children, and the joy he had from father hood. For about 5 years he had no problem helping out with the girls. He had no problem helping out with things around the house, and he had no problem taking on the kids alone so I could get a break. He used to compliment me to the kids or just to compliment me.He was a man in love with his wife and children. Nothing sexier than your husband to say " you take a nap, I'll get dinner". Talk about a panty dropper!!!
What the hell happened after that......WEll hindsight being 20/20...me getting busy with daycare in the home and being side tracked with other things, his gaming a priority, and ENTER OW THAT WORSHIPS HIM AND GAMES AS WELL.
So here is stbx, going the extra mile now to make contact and keep the communication open about the kids, visits, their well being, things going on with them, funny things they do or say, etc. and being kind and friendly about it, even joking at times. At times when we text, he seems so eager to talk about the kids or tell me what's going on. I make a point of thanking him often. Lately I feel like he's almost eager to please me? 3 months ago he refused to speak to me and the kids were the messenger. Wow what a change.
He's going above and beyond and offering random acts of kindness that are even blowing me away. To offer to drive our D9 to her MD appointment 4 hours away just to spare me the stress of driving in the city about floored me.
The funny thing is he was offering these acts of kindess when he first left, which is what confused me so bad. He started speaking my love language with one foot out the door and of course as he sat on the fence eating cake.
I don't know guys, it's still so hard and I hate these multitudes of emotions I have towards this man. I still care about him alot, and still love him. I still miss things about him and still have many good memories. It wasn't all bad. I want to move on and not focus on the bad stuff anymore. At the same time accepting the fact that to have any relationship with him is only a partial relationship of what I really want kills me.
I guess this is where I have to work on Acceptance of what is and what I want. And I think what I need and want is just a business type of relationship with him if there is not going to be any hope of a reconcilliation between us. Apparently he's fine with being the best of friends while he's with another woman because according to him all he's felt like are friends for years any way. I guess what hurts the most is that I didn't feel that way. I considered us married. He was my husband and I was his wife. I don't do this friendship business, either we're married or we're divorced, no in between.
As I look back on everything almost a year ago, I think I can see what his intentions were. He really did want to go on and do his own thing, but I think he wanted to leave the door open, but open ON HIS TERMS ONLY. His actions spoke to me that my heart ache or the childrens heart ache didn't matter, though he did feel some sort of guilt for inflicting it. He would be my friend, but on his terms only, which was he was willing to do acts of service for me, while he was still nailing the OW.
Seriously....for real? How on earth can these MLCers sit there and see we are in so much heart ache, yet they keep hanging around giving us hope or mixed messages? And then when we call them on it, we get spew?
