Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

More reality setting in. D9 called and asked if she could come over rather than go to D13's theater strike party.

Sure. She could come to softball practice with me.

When she got there she told me the story of doing 100 flips at the mall on these rubber ropes and trampoline.

She was so excited. Then she told me she went with XW and her "friend." She asked if I was mad. I know I didn't look happy, but I said, "that's fine."

So this relationship is moving fast and becoming institutionalized and I have to get over that.

D9 and I had a good time at softball practice. We also stopped by the library and then a bike ride.

After I rode my bike into work -- it's really nice out.

But I'm hurting. I talked to the friend I was out with Friday about how long it took for him to feel natural with the fact other men were in his daughter's life.

That was an hour conversation.

Since, I've been at my computer getting some projects done but also listening to lots of past sermons from church.

Others have had it much worse than I have. I am frustrated I'm not powering through this better. The truth is I'm afraid. I'm scared deep down. I'm afraid I'll never find someone else. I'm afraid I won't get better and I'll drive my kids away. I'm afraid all the insults and names people called me as a kid are true.

I have an awful lot to be grateful for. I've come miles and miles and miles since 2009. My friend, who is getting married, has been divorced 12 years. He's getting married on May 25 and he's going to talk about his journey.

I can't wait to get to that day. The day the scars have faded and I've let it all go. I've never been very patient though. This is soooo difficult.