I guess by "giving up" I meant accepting the fact that the D is going to happen and my wife is never coming back. The changes I have made and continue to make are for good - those I can't give back or give up. Sometimes hope is a hard flame to keep lit. I've been feeling that lately. I know I have come a long way, but it feels as if I have somehow stalled out. Am I seeing this incorrectly?
I guess part of it is also the more time I spend with my w here and there the more I am aware of the loneliness without her. It's just something in my head I suppose, and something everyone in this position feels. It's just difficult to manage.
I don't think I am overtly seeking control - I think I am just having a hard time accepting the ambiguity of this situation like you said. One day at a time. That is the best way to get through this. But it seems like each day I am looking for some kind of answer that just isn't coming. I keep thinking about the prospect of losing my family and I fall into a deep sadness. For all I know the exact opposite could happen - I really don't know. And that, said the bard, is the rub.
I DO have a hard time getting to a point where I am accepting "now" and living in the moment. But believe it or not this ordeal has taught me to get a little better at it. It's an elusive 180 that I really need to tackle.
I am also teetering on the edge of feeling like a total failure if/when my finances fall apart. In my life I have not so much as bounced a check - the prospect of losing my house and ruining my credit is tough to take. As you recall from many threads ago, I struggle with the notion of failure a lot.
I know she had legit reasons not to hang out today and I shouldn't take it personally. Furthermore, you are right - I shouldn't really ask her to do anything else. I got us tickets for one of her favorite comedians next month - that'll be it until she asks to do something else. My problem is that I feel like if I don't at least plan or ask her to do things I will just let her slip away. Being around her makes me feel good. I am probably trying to sustain that feeling somehow. The irony is that it would seem as though I have forgotten that pulling away helped bring her back. Do I pull away again? What is too much?
GM, you're are right. I tend to forget that my w's life and feelings do not revolve around me. I need to get over that.
