It's crazy how things seemed to happen over nite. Not so long ago we were saying ILY, hugging, kissing, talking about another baby. W insisting that I get a new wedding band (my fingers have gotten a little fatter and I wasn't wearing it every day b/c it cut off circulation).
This was all happening right up until I exposed my hurt feelings (and tried to hurt her back if I'm being honest), accused her of cheating, name calling, begging, persuing, snooping, threatening to leave, etc., that things got all out of whack. That is on ME. I can see now that she wasn't DONE at ILYB, she was done when I did what LBSers tend to do.
I miss her so much. It is hard to be strong. I want to just grab her up, hold her, stare into her eyes, share a passionate kiss. Ok back to the real world.
I can't help but wonder how she can just turn off a switch. That's my problem. I wonder too much.
I wonder why she keeps her phone on vibrate. Why it is always in her pocket.
But then again she is not on the phone, or computer in a manner that makes me suspicious. I have never seen her ignore a call. She told me that she is not and has not been unfaithful... in any way. My heart believes her. My head swims.
One second I think I truly have made up the whole A thing. She is a good woman. She asked me to ask her to marry. We had a pact that we would always be faithful. That we would NEVER have an A. And that was her terms. She said she would cut off my junk.
Then I think, why so much smoke? Where is the fire. Don't be stupid.
I have my good days and I have these days. Tomorrow will be different. It always is.
We had an ok weekend. No arguing. No backsliding outwardly. Only my mind. She just seemed more distant. I don't know why I find myself consumed wondering what's going on at this moment.
I just miss the physical intamacy. Not just ML, but laying on the couch together, holding her hand, playing with her hair. The small stuff I took for granted.
Alright I'm done. STOP sign. Thanks for listening.
