I'm so impressed with your strength in adversity, and your ability to focus on self improvement in the face of it all. I DO think that's the one "upside" to DBing, regardless of marital outcome.
WE get better as people, which eventually leads to a lot more inner contentment, and you know, that matters a whole lot.
I can see why the loss of communication between your xh & your s21 bugs you so much. Yes he's a step son...but still. And fwiw, which isn't much,
My gut says that in TIME, when the dust settles and legal matters are not in flux, your xh may want to rekindle a r with him along with his own son...
I know there are some lbs'ers who find that so offensive and unfair that they object to it.
But 1) it really is not up to us, and 2) I think it's never too late for parent/child r's b/c one or both always seem to retain hope for reconciliation. There's no such thing as "moving on"....for a mother who gave up a child, for example.
3) the new r that develops, if it does, may not be perfect. OR it may be weirdly great compared to what the LBSer got.
I know my dad was a better grandfather than he was a dad to me, b/c when he became a grandfather, He was a recovering alcoholic, not an active one.
When I saw his gentle nature with my niece or my son, a part of me felt a sense of loss. But that was the little girl in ME....wishing he'd stopped drinking 20 years earlier (FOR ME!!!!)...
but now I believe that something a little positive, given late, IS still better than nothing ever given,
but all this^^^ is for future debates, we hope...so, til IF & WHEN that happens, let's not borrow from tomorrow when today's plate is plenty full.
So S21 has physical disabilities only, but Is he emotionally mature and mentally able to function? Will he ever be able to support himself?
(Does his bio father do anything for him? I realize he's 21 now, "On his own" (??)
but with the blindness I assumed he'd get some lifelong support from you both. Since I don't know his level of cerebral palsy, I guess the question to ask now is What is your son's functioning level? Is his "program" that he is in, a college? Studying to be what?
sorry to ask, but Is self sufficiency something realistic to aim for, for him?
Wow, I can see why your oldest boy is such a father figure for the younger ones!!
I can also see, in a way, how much responsibility your h may feel and be fleeing from.
To folks who may be in a MLC, AND OR are recovering alcholics AND OR just want out of a marriage they feel was bad, having bills, step children and children of their own, all seems to equate with feeling trapped. (Yes, it IS ironic, given your respective position.) To them at this time, "responsibility" is a bad word.
ALL questions asked are "accusations", all requests are "Demands", etc.
What do YOU do with that?
I believe if you continue to behave as a woman of strength and dignity, NOT losing your temper, but remaining calm in the winds he creates,
never fueling his negative images/justifications for leaving
(or at least as little as possible)
then Your Dignity through all this, will confuse him and undermine his "data" about you, and you'll never regret it.
AND that there's a real chance the old h will someday feel comfortable enough
safe enough, to dig deep and find himself. That will allow the loving memories of a strong marriage & good times that you once had,
to resurface.
For now, stay in "self preservation mode" while also
NOT getting angry about it.
Do you Remember the concept of "turning your marriage/pain/anger over to God"? It helps!
We do that when it's too much for us to carry or it's weighing us down
and stopping US from being happy.... same goes for legal worries!!! Turn them over to your L (and God!)
The law favors you on most issues.
Your son's welfare will always be a concern but the 3 of them together, what a blessing they are.
Hang in there, you will do more than "survive" this. I know it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
