Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

I'm really struggling today. I was last night, too. I'm so tired of this life. I want my wife and my marriage and my kids back so badly. Ironically, (or not?) I got to see my kids nearly every day this week. I loved it.

Maybe my wife is giving me the gift of time right now, but there is no way to know without asking... and I'm afraid it's better not to ask. Well, no way to know without asking or waiting.

I know what I can do to improve my chances of reconciliation. I have to take care of some financial issues and take care of myself. I need to keep the compassion and energy flowing into the family and relationship I do have.

But I'm tired. And I want to be loved and accepted so badly.

I've been doing a lot of wishing over the last two days, and wishing doesn't make it so. It might actually make things worse.

I was supposed to cook dinner yesterday for D15 who I only see one or two days a week typically. I very rarely get my whole family together to eat dinner. W took her out to eat on a whim, when I had already started cooking (for 5) without considering my feelings. When I explained asked for her consideration in the future, I got zero empathy. Real typical WAW response, which I knew to expect and I did expect, but I still found it hurtful and more salt in the wound.

I'm not detached.

Today, I feel miserable. I need to pick myself back up.

I haven't been meditating. It helps; I should be.

I need a hug.

I'm going to go see a movie. It's a distraction. I'm going to wish I had done something productive, but I can't seem to get going right now.