Hi Bill - so sorry to hear about this - BUT, it does happen. Do not beat yourself up. We all slip at times. So, just get up, dust yourself off and 'start' all over again.
Much of what you said to your W, are things my H has said to me. He wish he had stood up to me more, and not given in so easily - hence he sees me now as controlling the R. Again, I never saw it that way - but I respect his perspective. Do you think your W sees you as a wuss? I never saw my H as a wuss. He thinks of himself that way - not me. However, he did clearly lose some self-esteem just for the sake of keeping the peace. I am very sad about this and wish he would have been more vocal in his own needs. I wish I had been more relaxed too and more trusting.
It does come down to trust I found at the end of the day.
So - I would imagine that you would impress her quite a bit if you stood your ground - in many areas of your life. I was getting pretty tired of having to hold the boundaries of the R together for the two of us. I admit I needed a break in that department - which is giving me some peace these days. I too wished my H stood his ground much more in his own life with his friends, colleagues, clients - and the biggest of all - his mother!! I would have had profound respect for him and support of him - and would have had incredible admiration for him. I do have admiration for him, but I would have had even more admiration. Most importantly, I would have trusted him a great deal more. Consequently, I would have been far more relaxed and at ease - which is what he always wanted as well. ANYWAY!
So, back to you - stand your ground. Maybe that is your 180 where your W is concerned. She might kick up a fuss at the beginning, but she will get used to it if you are consistent. However, all be sure to listen to her and let her have her own life as well. After that, who knows - you might inspire the admiration you BOTH require
