Seems like with the progression to each new phase of this ordeal I find myself saying "I didn't think that this was going to be that hard". Well, here I am in this odd space between divorce and reconciliation and I am saying it again - I didn't think that this was going to be this hard. Today the weight of "not knowing" what is going to happen almost made me want to just give up. At least that way I would know that I am controlling something and not just a passenger (I know this is NOT a healthy way of thinking).
I have my son this weekend and we have been just hanging out having a good time together. W called yesterday to talk to him and asked if we would be at church this morning. I said yes - and she said she would be there, too. We arrived and w, sil and I all sat together. We had a good time, good message and shared a few good laughs. Of course, we both fawned over our son.
After church we all went to breakfast. Again, a good time with laughs and conversation. It feels like family again - everyone just hanging out and our son enjoying the togetherness of it all. I hated to see it end.
As we walked to our cars (w parked next to me) I told w that s and I would be making dinner and she was more that welcome to stop by. She said she would "play it by ear" and had to meet one of her girlfriends for coffee later. Later she texted me and said she had work to do tonight that she needed done for the morning and would probably would't come by for dinner. I don't know if that was true or not, but I felt rejected and embarrassed that I asked.
Then I started wondering if only wants to meet at church so she can see our son - not to try to spend a bit of time together without it being "too much". Again, not a healthy thing to think - and I tried to keep my head out of that line of thought.
I don't know if I am falling apart, growing weary, fighting off a backslide or all three. But the weight of the pending divorce, my looming financial implosion and not knowing what my w really wants to do is crushing down on me. I miss my family so much it tears at my heart. It almost makes me cry when my s says "where'd mommy go?" or "mmoooommmyyy where are you?".
I know she misses him, but I also know that she could at any time say "let's try to pull back together and be a family". I honestly don't know what she wants to do at all - and I know better than to ask.
Our S turns 2 next week. Not how I envisioned it, but I will make the most of it. These last few days my heart has been breaking. For him, for me....for the future, for the unknown. My MIL will be here for it. She has been texting me recently - so that is not all bad. Seems friendly.
I guess I am just in need of encouragement to stay on path and not give up. It was a hard week and I really felt/feel like throwing my hands up. Maybe it't not that I am not making progress....but that I am not making as much as I would like to. If I just got the slightest indication from my w to hang in there and keep trying (pipe dream) I would feel better. And who knows, maybe if my pursuit of the big sign I have gotten the little sign that says just that and I overlooked it.
I am not the uber-religious guy at all, but I DO believe in God and find that that belief is comforting and stabilizing in many ways. I don't view it at magic or mysticism at all - just believing. That said, uncharacteristically I bought to bundles of dry sage to burn in the house. It is supposed to cleanse and spiritually heal you, your home, or other things. Looking back on all the negativeness that was present in this house when we were both living in separate rooms, and when I was hurting my wife for God only knows how long and didn't know it - I feel that it is necessary to to this. If it is nothing more than symbolic, so be it. But I want to get rid of the bad feelings and memories in this house for me and for my w.
S is waking from nap. Time to put on the dad-hat. Thanks for reading and responding. Sometimes it just helps to get things out of me.
