I know that this is hardly the time to be jumping back into sexual intimacy with him, but between the lessening of our having sex over time, added to the affair that he recently had, its really made me feel rejected by him sexually.
That's it! I'm sorry to have to tell you, honey, that your thinking is stressed right now. And, you are probably not making the most important decisions rationally. Please believe me when I say this...Your first sentence, here, is the most important one you have said, and you should be listening to your own advice, your own words, and your own voice. It sounds to me like you have the wisdom. You only need to follow it. Having sex with a man who has been with other(s) is not safe! Until you get tested, you are not safe -- no matter what anybody tells you. Don't listen to themuntil you get tested, please.
Originally Posted By: Bestgal
I've been wanting to be with him even more than before as the days go by...and last night he said something like he can't even begin to think any thoughts of sex right now.
I have heard of this phenomona (some women want to have sex more when their marriage is being threatened). I don't know what causes it, but it is also not wise to engage, expecially when the cheating spose has indicated that he 1. either doesn't want it, 2. can't think about sex right now or 3. has admitted that there 'has been' another woman. These are all excellent indicators that he is not thinking about quitting the affair(s) and is choosing other(s) over you. Trust me when I say this, Men don't stop thinking about sex. They just stop thinking about doing the deed with you.
I do understand that those above statements can be excellent indicators that men aren't thinking about stopping their affairs, but I have to disagree on that point...I know I don't exactly have a monopoly on the truth here these past few weeks, but he has said and tried to show me in every way possible that his affair is in fact over. Does he desire sex with me? Certainly doesn't seem like it at the moment! Will he ever? I believe so. We had a conversation last night about our relationship as well as our sex life and why each of us felt like it went off course. I think we were both surprised to hear such candid and to the point responses. There were things that neither of us intimated to the other and we both agreed that each of us brought some unresolved issues to the marriage.
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I know this is hard to hear, but right now, you shouldn't be wondering if he will "ever come back." You should be thinking about protecting yourself and possibly getting away from him until you are both seriously considering the road to recovery, and he is fervently attending the therapist with you and doing as he is told to do by the therapist, which will surely be to get rid of the other woman/women.
Yes - I agree with that, that I need to protect myself. I guess I'm doing that to the best of my ability right now. Getting away from him - that hasn't worked for me....it's only this past week that we've been living under the same roof again, and have started being very honest with each other. (myself included). I wouldn't want to lose that...
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Oh, and one more important thing...it's true that most men have an affair with one women, and that's all it is. But, some men only admit to one affair. Sometimes there are multiple affairs that you don't know about, or will never know about unless you hire a detective, or you are an investigator. And, most of the time, those don't pan out well. It ruins your health, your wealth and your view of yourself. Don't trust anything he tells you until and if he is firmly entrenched in going the therapist route. You won't know anything until you have had at least several visits there. Don't trust him at all. You mentioned hearing two voices inside yourself. One is your heart, the other is your head. Don't listen to your heart until the coast is clear. Listen only to your head. Protect yourself!
Makes sense to me. I don't trust him, and he knows that. All I can say at this point is that I'm grateful for the recent honesty. He asked me last night if I thought I would ever trust him again. I told him that would really depend on him, and how much progress we're able to make together. Ultimately I try to pay attention to my gut. When something doesn't feel or sound right, it usually isn't. But in order to have any chance of getting past this, I think my part is to be guarded, but open enough to not shut him out completely.
