I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[breakdownbill]

I thought I was doing great with my GAL - had a blast yesterday with my S - went swimming & the park. Today I got up early and went for a run & then boom - I totally wasn't expecting my wife to get into a R conversation - I blew it!!

It started off with a conversation about how I only talk about myself - to which I stupidly replied, 'I'm just trying to make conversation - when I ask you about how your day was or if you had fun anywhere I just get 'Yeah'.

Well this escalated into a stupid argument, I said some things I wish I hadn't like - 'I hate the man I've turned into - I wished I had stood up to you in arguments & not always been the 1st to back down & not let you take the drivers seat - I qualified this by saying that it sounds like I'm blaming you - but I'm not - I'm blaming myself for how I reacted'. I said I'd been trying really hard to just give you space and to just try & be positive & get on with my life instead of moping around, doing loads of housework & that nothing is ever good enough.

By this point I was a complete mess, She'd said something about wanting it to be over, then I had a hissy fit & said I hated my life & started punching myself in the face (WTF!!!) I calmed down after some tears & did end up having a clear the air conversation with my W - but any chances I had of reconciling without a formal separation are completely redundant.

I was an idiot!! (So angry with myself for not walking away)

I've had to take the line of we need support each other and be friends. But this is a setback I don't think she'll forgive me for.

While I was detaching & not texting - I forgot to ask her how her doctor's appointment went, so she's been majorly annoyed with me since Tuesday & it came to a head today.

She wants to discuss how we are going to address this separation / Divorce & that she doesn't feel anything for me in that way anymore.

I'm absolutely besides myself - I'm such an idiot for not walking away.

I think I'm screwed & need to just accept this now