Today I actually got a little spew from H. He grumbled because in his opinion I am not doing enough to get the house ready to sell, said we are way behind on our schedule.
I told him we have not really discussed anything. To which he said we said we were listing the house Feb 1st. I told him HE said list the house in Feb and I didn't hear a date. That was the one time we saw the MC.
He keeps acting like she was a judge and what was said was law. That was in Nov! I told him I don't know what he wants we never discuss anything, he just jumps in and does what he wants, seemingly randomly.
Our conversation ended with him flipping me off. I replied: "Whatever". I was working on our taxes, was close to having another R talk. So I jumped in the car and left to do some errands on the other side of the island.
I texted him to tell him I was going out and needed to clear my head. This was around 2:30. At 5 I was headed back and got a text from him saying he was going to a movie and would get dinner while out.
I passed him going out of the neighborhood while I was going in.
I get in the door 5 minutes later and get a text from him. But OOPS it is a text to OW sent to me by mistake. Seems she has been out of contact all day, but that's okay, he thinks she went to bed early, and he loves her.
This falls under Chaos and Triangulation. And WTF and a few other things. And is really making me see the light.
My H has very rarely said "Love Ya" at the end of texts, phone calles, conversations. I really think I was lucky to see it wrtitten on the rare cards I got from him.
I think maybe he never really did love me. I think he is an emotional retard. I am sick to death of this. I am trying my best to move along, work on myself, and realize that maybe what I am grieving for was a figment of my imagination.
And this is going to sound like rationalizing, but if I admit the truth, I have been wondering for many years what kind of future we (H and I) were going to have.
Many times I have looked at the extensive collection of jewelry I have. Much of it hand made by me. And I have wondered why I have all that stuff when I am married to a guy who HATES social events.
I also look at him, and he dorked up his back about 10 years ago, and wonder how I am going to handle being married to someone who is grumpy about their pain. And feel guilty for saying this, but he NEVER went to the doctor about it, and it healed up bad.
I got him to the chiropractor a couple years ago, and the x-ray would have been funny if it weren't for him being my H. His back is actually out of joint, like kinked around so the discs don't stack up right. I begged him to go to a doctor for years. He never would.
And now he stands up and can't straighten up all the way til he walks a few steps. And I suppose that is my fault, too.
Part of the spew today was how I am a terrible housekeeper, I haven't kept the house clean in 10 years! (The house is clean right now, just evidently not to his standards)
Ten years happens to be how long we have lived in the tropics. And I have said on here before I never knew how much geckos pooped 'til I started sharing a home with them.
I also kind of think that it goes back more to his having the A and wanting to leave me before. I don't think I have done anything to please him since. I think he has been comparing me to her, and her imagined perfection since. Now he is comparing me to OW and her imagined perfection.
One of her favorite topics of conversation is about the hours and hours she spends scrubbing down every surface of her house.
It really doesn't matter. I just wish I could get myself more motivated and less depressed. It is easy to say and hard to do! I got invited to a friends 50th B-day party tonight. Guess I will get dressed and go over for awhile.
Okay, enough venting!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
