Divorce....with a side of crazy...

[25yearsmlc]

ok..Im really trying to stay calm, but I got his "purposal" offer and am completely freaking out!!!!...
I have an appt on Mon. to go over with my L but Im am really scared..
I dont even know were to begin but he is offering a quarter of the state guidlines for CS and a little over that for SS...because his L says he is not guarenteed the overtime he has always worked and says that I should be working full time (I havent since the day we married)

California will impute SOME income to you but they'll also use his highest wages to determine CS and SS...that's how they do it here. I don't know what his L is trying to do, OR if he's just listening to your h and abiding by that. But you have the W:-2s so in my opinion, that's that.

Yes you will need to work OR learn to live on less than you expect. But they'll impute to you a min wage job income if you have not worked in years, unless you have a certification for something or some degree. Let's say you were a Registered nurse years ago.

IF SO they'd impute the "average NEW RN's salary"....For us They also used my h's Highest income, not his new chosen LOWER income for the fellowship.

Also in California there was a case that IS THE LAW here, about "highest earned income". The case was about a CPA who divorced his w of many years.

He Left her and the kids and became a minister and wanted to pay support based on his new, much lower salary. The court said, "no, pay what your family was accustomed to, (despite your MLC").

The h appealed and said "but public policy says I'm a nice guy and I really do earn less, and I'm a minister and all, and this is what I make NOW"...(b/c I chose to switch careers damn the consequences to others who rely on me for support and have for their whole lives)

and the State's highest court said (in effect) "Tough. Do that great stuff for society on your own time. Why should your w and kids take a pay cut b/c YOU changed and YOU feel better now?"

So they based support on what the minister had made as a CPA a few years earlier...

I can't say for sure, but i would think the overtime is what you and your family are used to him earning and what you relied on... if it wasn't a fluke, that's that.

There is also something called "deliberate underemployment" on the part of some h's. Courts see through that. I would not worry so much, truly. Assuming you have a L that you trust.

And please do NOT accept less than state guidelines. That hurts you and your son. Why would you do that?

Every time you accept less you are saying you deserve less. Don't teach your h that.

and figured out the amounts based on his base pay and my "full time" wage...we have tax forms for the amount he makes every year and he has made at least 30 grand in overtime every year but does not want it figured in.
he has paid my truck payment since we seperated and wants to be reimbursed for half of that amount, he is asking for double the time we agreed to for our S15 and he hasnt even consistantly seen him for his weekends since June and I have also documented that ...but my L is saying S15 will have to speak to the judge now since he is of an age to speak for himself...he is so devistated by all of this I didnt want to drag him into it and we had already agreed on that.

any child over the age of 14, if he's not delayed in some way, would be privately asked where he wants to go. He won't be on a witness stand and he wont' be really cross examined. The family judge knows this [censored] for your son.


STBX works so much he cant even see him alt. weekends and the one night a week we set up...S15 just spent the weekend with him last weekend and that was the first time since Jan...He knows he cant have him due to his schedule but wants it on papaer so his support amount will be less.....WHO IS THIS PERSON???!!!

he is like 90% of non custodial walk away spouses...sorry but that's how they do it. When I did legal aid I had 4 different men saying they did not want to terminate their parental rights, as their ex w's were asking them to do. (The ex's had remarried men who wanted to adopt their children.)

Each of these 4 men was way behind on support. They adamantly refused to give up their rights as fathers, even if they had not seen their kids in months or 2 years in one case...but

when I suggested that they could have their arrears flat out cancelled if they let their children be adopted by the new stepfather...3 of the 4 said yes...

how sad is that?

I cant believe he is going to take this to that point...at this point I am not settleing for anything but have seen these men go into court and win on things that just seem obviouse that they should have to pay from friends experiences and I am terrified....

Um, WHERE, exactly, did you SEE that? You sure you didn't just "hear" it?

Who made you so afraid? If it is your L, hire a new one.

Yes There are horror stories out there - but in California - it's not a magical potion with crazy unexpected results that no one can predict. The vast majority of the time it follows a logical course.

This is a long term marriage with one person earning signficantly more than the other, and with a child...it's not that unusual. There is a mathematical formula they use.

The guidelines should apply. I think you'll be better off than you realize. Surely you'll be more secure than you are now.

Lose the terror. It's counter productive and may force you into signing something idiotic and bad for you and against your interests AND your son's...

we would not even survice on what he is agreeing to ....we would have to move and give up what little we have now...
after 19 yrs it has come down to he just wants out of his responsabilities and will do what ever it takes to get there....

I guess i wait to speak to my lawyer but I just feel so violated after reading those papers...

your feelings are natural responses to unnatural requests. But unfortunately it's like bartering now. The other side starts at a much higher (or lower) number than is reasonable and hopes to come out near the middle or somewhere...they know they won't get it and he knows he does NOT deserve it. Shame on him- except his L may be saying "it's a negotiation, shut up."

To me, this is not going to be that complex.

(MAYBE his L wants to gin up some billable hours and is acting as if there's a lot to debate).

My L was smart and fair and to the point. She became a friend, actually.

I wanted to argue a novel theory (for this state it's novel) and since this is community property (California is community property).

I thought my h's MD was a "marital asset" and I should get half of what that was worth...or maybe take a third of his income for life...I did want to argue that.

My L said it had a "5-10% chance" of prevailing...but it freaked my h out.

I didn't pursue it and we didn't get that far anyhow. But like I said

I believe you will actually come out of this ahead of where you are now. And you'll have predictability too. That will yield some security.

I hope there is a retirement fund somewhere, or another house or something for you to rely on when you are a senior. Is there?

If not, that will be something you can change when you know what is coming in and when.