I don't know if I should jump in here, since I've been out of the loop for a long time, and am probably not one to talk. But I've come a long way in the months I haven't been on this board. It'll be hard for most people to believe.
But you can take any of this with a grain of salt, DIM, it's just that I've followed your sitch from day 1 and I identify a lot with it - even if it isn't my story exactly.
My ex and I are fully separated now and planning to stay separated. I know that's not the goal of these boards, but sometimes it is for the best. I may not have seen that at the time, but I see it now. Does it mean I don't wish my family were in tact? No, but under the circumstances, I do not believe that was in our best interest or my daughter's best interest.
We have here what we'll call a lesson. And until you fully get whatever the universe is presenting to you, it's going to keep happening. So what are you going to do?
See because while I don't condone staying in a relationship where there is lack of honesty, integrity, respect, and trust, I do think the focus needs to remain on you and not your H or even OW.
So learn what you have to here, without making major decisions.
You went into fight or flight mode when you found out and you numbed and lashed out. That's not okay. If it's okay with you, I'm not sure why. And to say your H has been cranky or whatever for a few days, wouldn't you be too if someone had beat you up?
Watch how YOU behave. Right now you are very focused on his bad behavior.
Here's a few things that might help. We make up thoughts about our circumstances. Start observing what you make up about all this.
Why is there rage? What are you enraged about?
For instance,
Circumstance: I have evidence that my husband had an EA. Thought: He ruined our relationship. OR he ruined my life. OR (I'm not good enough.) OR - whatever you MAKE THAT MEAN. Feeling: small, lacking, deprived, helpless, out of control, scared (what feelings came up) Actions: You beat him up, threatened another woman, woke up your daughter, drank, are exhausted, etc. Results: No one is happy or at peace.
Now, if you want different results, you're going to have to tell a different story about that same circumstance.
NOTE: you said you want your husband to give up control. That's a big red flag to me; whenever we want someone we know to do something (for our benefit), we know we're in our projection mode.
Who do you really want to give up control? What would be less exhausting right now? Who has control of ... giving up control?
Let's go back to that sequence.
C: I have evidence my husband had an EA. Thought: I am okay. I will take care of whatever I need to. The outcome will be all right and I'll figure it out. Feeling: In control. In your power. In your adult self (rather than the traumatized child self who goes out and drinks or punches people). Actions: You make choices. You are calm and act from calm places. You take action from places where you are in your power. Results: You have an outcome that makes you feel comfortable/safe/happy.
What do you need right now? What do you need to feel? What do you need to believe?
Plug some of this into your own sequences and try it ... see if you can get the results you want by telling a different story.
Don't give away your power to OW. She did NOT steal anything from you. She just did what she did. That's her business. Your business is you.
So what are YOU going to do now? What are YOU able to control (I'll give you a hint - ... you!) What do you want to see happen? What do you need?
Stop action. Stop reaction. Take some time. Take a Saturday to be alone or a nap or a rest or a drive. And go within YOU.
Forget your H and his lousy behavior. It's his problem. Doesn't make you an ass. Only YOUR lousy behavior makes YOU an ass.
Please be who you are - love, compassion, forgiveness, whatever that may be. But do it from a place of empowerment.
And try doing some byron katie "The Work" or Judge Your Neighbor worksheets on those thoughts you are having. I wish I could coach you on this but I know there are coaches on here.
The thoughts: She stole something from me. He should give up control. He lied to me.
All have potential turnarounds when you do the work.
You may have lied to yourself when you CHOSE not to see what you already knew was before you a while back.
DIM. I wish you all the love in the world right now. From the bottom of my heart.
And the thing is.
I know you're going to be okay. But that's your business.
