Each Step is a First Step

[Quorumof1]

Thanks for the response Starsky.

I'm in an odd headspace right now, as I am enjoying doing some of the things I like to do and it is a bit strange not to have to let anyone know what I'm up to or "checking in" to keep in touch. Also, we both have been unhappy for a while and perhaps that changes the dynamic a little bit. It isn't like one of us got blindsided.

I think I am more frustrated that she wasn't/isn't willing to participate in trying to see if we can each learn to be better partners. My IC is helping me identify my issues and has stated that if she isn't prepared to see that she has a part in it as well, then it will be difficult to reconcile. Time will tell.

I would guess the no kids situation may change things up a bit as well. As you state, it is cleaner. For example, if it all goes completely sideways and we can't recover, then there will be no future reason to connect at all.

We have one aging dog, 15 yrs old, that we both love, but it is definitely more her dog. That is why she will stay with the house, it is what the dog knows.

We both have successful careers, so either of us could carry the cost of the house on our own, but the buying out of equity will cripple the buyer (but then that is my opinion and I've always been more fiscally conservative than her). Yes, I'm sure finances were one of our hot buttons.

Personally, I would NOT have advised you to move out of your home. If she's the one wanting out of the marriage, it would be more appropriate for her to find the new place.

Yeah, so far, this is probably the biggest mistake I've made. In the past few months before the agreement, I was pursuing, etc, but since the "agreement" to separate, I've backed right off. We now pretty much live like the roommates we seemed to pretend to be before the agreement. I've been of two minds on the point. If I stayed, we would just continue in the cycle we've been in for months so I don't know if that would have helped more than it hurt. Moving out for three months to a furnished place means leaving most of my stuff here (other than clothes, etc) leaves a connection to my "home" for now. I think it may be a need for me to just do the distance and detach and do my own thing and let her be in her thoughts.

Right now, it is black and white to her. We were never partners. She has no feelings for me. etc etc. I know that is the situation talking and only time can let her find perspective.

I gotta say, this really jumped out at me, right from the outset:

I started IC with a couple of sessions last spring as she thought I needed to figure myself out, since she had herself all figured out already.

I found it odd that it would be your wife's place to recommend an individual counselor for YOU? My guess is that, over the years, you may have let "Quorum" get swallowed up more and more into the marriage, and become more "Mr. Wife-of-Quorum," and lost sight of a lot of your own goals and dreams, and -- ironically -- maybe what made you attractive to your wife to begin with?

An interesting point and to be obtuse, it is in some ways very accurate and others completely off the mark. I'm an extremely private person, sometimes I don't even tell myself. Ok, that is a lame attempt at humour. More accurately, I am still trying to figure me out and what it is that makes me happy, etc. I understand now through the IC that this will have made our marriage difficult. How hard would it be to love someone who doesn't know himself? I totally get that I contributed to the mess we are in. What my IC wants me to keep in focus (though not the centre of attention) is that she has issues as well and needs to face them if we are going to ever have a chance.

You also mentioned the co-dependency issue and I think I did/do have that as part of the problem. I did/do place a lot of my self-image as deriving from our relationship. I'm working on that and so in that respect I think I may have lost a bit of my direction/personality.

Keep posting frequently, in shorter posts -- it'll help get you off the "full moderation" thing.

Whoops, fail.

Starsky, want to say thank you for your thoughts. In my better moments right now, I recognize that I am not ready to give up. However, I am not prepared to go back to what we had either. That relationship has really died and the question is whether we can have a new one.

I don't love who she is right now anymore than I know she has no feelings for me right now. But I do think we are two people who have the opportunity to take a new path together if we choose to. For now I will follow mine and hope it meets hers down the way.

Q1