Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[Dory]

Hi crushd,

I'm really sorry you've found yourself here, it's a brutal situation to be in. There's lots of great advice and wisdom to be found here.

I've got to tell you, your story really jumped out at me. Nearly everything you've described seems so eerily familiar: The chronic external stresses, lack of sexual intimacy, depressions, feelings of abandonment, right down to the lack of emotions when the bomb is dropped.

I know too well that feeling of having the rug pulled out from under you. It's gut wrenching. In my own sitch I had made the grave mistake of assuming that the distance between my H and I was the result of all the recent stresses that had been placed upon us and that given time, life and our M would settle back to normal again.

I'd like to recommend (along with DB & DR) that you read John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I read this book under the advice of my therapist and I must tell you, it gave me a very clear picture of what had really gone wrong in my M. It showed me that the external stresses in life, although were a contributor, there was far more going on than what I had initially realised or was willing to accept. I will forewarn you, that reading this book and the light that it shed left me incredibly sad about what had really gone wrong in my M and why my H was/is feeling the way he is feeling about us. Despite all that, it gave me a clear understanding on what really needs to change if I wish to have any hope of restoring my M.

At his point, I think it's a good idea to try to stick to the 37 rules/guidelines. I read in James Dobson's book, Love Must be Tough that the WAS is typically feeling trapped & obligated and the LBS needs to pull back to reduce the pressure the WAS is feeling. I'm wondering why it is that you suspect that going dim, or in your words "aloof and distant" would backfire in your case? Can you elaborate on why you feel that way?