4 years ago when my W had an affair she told her mother and sister and 2 close friends of hers and that was it. A lot of justification aimed at demeaning me, which did not work with mother and sister as they knew both me, and us as a couple. The close friends who did not know me were used to validate her justifications and provide reinforcement for her actions. A 42 year old mother of two was going to abandon her family (2 sons 12 and 14) to start a new family with a penniless guy 12 years younger in the boondocks of Asia. At the time she wanted the quickest possible divorce and quickly change her religion so she could marry and start her new family. Years after the event she said she did it because she was 'unhappy'. The problem is they shift the blame for their unhappiness on to you the loving innocent spouse. They do not look at the real causes until they have lost everything.
We have now been separated 4 months. I get apologetic emails about her behavior in our marriage. I get emails saying 'would it be too cheeky to ask.....', I get phone calls 'sorry to bother you....'
W is now in counselling and admits she has self-esteem issues, which are understandable, but she was always, superior aloof and condescending towards me in our marriage.
She seems strong enough with other people but with me she seems on the edge of tears.
I now know she has been acting out the effects of her childhood issues and projecting her feelings onto me, in fact making me feel her anger and depression.
The calmness I saw for so many years from someone who liked to give the impression she could deal with anything, and had dealt with everything was very probably false-self hiding some huge issues. Her lack of emotion was just a huge effort in self control, and splitting off of all the toxic stuff from her past.
She rarely talks or talked about her childhood or her childhood friends (of which she appears to have none) so another 'gaping black hole'.
Self-esteem is an issue or my W for sure but it is just the tip of the iceberg in my opinion, in fact I recommend this link for anybody who might want some insight into childhood issues:
