Anxiety, boundaries and expectations?

[angel61]

There is a website about affairs, although this is really more for EA's. Its called emotional affait journey, and its about this couple, Linda and Doug, who survived through Dougs affair. Its really more of a blog. Around a month ago, one of the discussions was about why men treat their affair partner differently.

Linda said its because the affair happens "effortlessly", especially since it does not come with the responsibility of a marriage.

Look for it on the internet.

Anyway, I too am having a hard time tonite. My H just came back from a business trip to xOW's country and he is a bit distant, so I am wondering why. I want badly to ask if he saw her, or talked to her, but I feel he is testing me, so I will zip my lips.

I am so full of doubt and the memories are flooding in, and I will stay away so here I am at 10PM doing laundry downstairs!

[canadianMrs.]

Thank you Angel. I have been going through the site, and also sent the link to H...but didn't add anything to the e-mail that suggest he had to look at it.

The other day I felt my frustrations running high again. I try not to compare the effort he put toward OW, compared to me/us. He is trying, but when I analyze, I feel like its not good enough. I'm trying not to, because I do know I'm just a higher energy person and D has said he was not his true self with O, and he is trying to be his true self with me.

Yesterday H called to say he would come over (his day off) after school to see us. I said, are you afraid of me? (I will be home all day) He said, no, would you like me to come over earlier? I said, its up to you. He said, No, its up to both of us. If you want me to come over, you need to tell me. So, I said, I would like you to come over earlier. He said, You got it. I then said, I think this conversation is an eye opener, I'm waiting for you to say/do something and you're waiting for me, and so there is a lot of waiting. H agreed, and said now that we know, both of us are suppose to act upon what we want from/with the other.
Hopefully this will help. I have thought he was waiting for my lead, which I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. What should I do with that? I want to save our M, but there has to be close to equal effort.

My other issue is, other than a few hugs here and there, there has been no contact between us. Even now we act like very good platonic friends. I have said a few times I want to take this slowly, so I can see why H might be hesitant to be the one to start. How/when do I go about this.

[canadianMrs.]

One more thing I could use insight on, is that now that we are piecing, it feels like there is a lot of "politeness" going on. I wish it felt more relaxed and casual. Is this something that will come in time? Right now we only get to spend small pockets of time alone, although we see each other a lot. I think more time alone might help, but don't want to rush. I find its a hard balance between doing what my heart is ready for right now, and my vision for the future.

[canadianMrs.]

I'm still battling with the feeling I need something more than the infrequent dates & the texting. Communication has been our main problem, more on his side though. I use to wait (as per DB) to hear from him, but now he likes me to be the one to initiate texts etc. This isn't working for me. I need to feel he is trying, especially when he says he needs to work on opening up. I would be happy (for now) with him calling and texting 1st, more often. I wonder if I should talk to him about this, leave it for now, or have us go back to MC?

[angel61]

Hi Mrs. C,

I think since you told your H that you wanted to take it slowly, he is handing the reins to you. I don't know how you assess his readiness as well. If you feel you are ready for more, maybe you should bring it up with him? But no pushing!

I just had a huge set back myself from pushing. In my case its my H who wants to move slowly, and I became impatient. I have no time to post yet, and so I haven't, but will soon as I think its a good lesson for piecers.

Regarding politeness, I think it is better that way than without it! Think about it as stating over again.

[canadianMrs.]

I talked to H this morning and we're going to make another appointment with MC. The sessions are 90 minutes, so I'm going to go by myself for the first 30 to talk about whats on my mind & what to share with H and what not to. The rest we will do as a couple, getting some guidelines from MC on how to go through this process. I think I have some ideas, but H always seems to hear me better when we are in C. (Maybe because MC backs me up, could have something to do with all I've learned already from here, my DB coach & all the books I've read in the last year).

[Jenna333]

MC has been good for us. It's very helpful to have the C back up what I'm saying. H takes me more seriously when he hears the C tell him that what I'm feeling isn't unreasonable.

[canadianMrs.]

Not sure what I should do. I got an e-mail from a friend who works in the same field as H, who said there was a rumour that he had been involved with another woman. She wasn’t sure of the details. Ironically, H was at my house for the weekend. I confronted H and he said he did have a one night stand with a girl he met at a retirement party in December. It happened a few days after we started our 1st MC session, (where C said told H he can't be involved with any one else for this to work). D said he realized after how stupid it was, and never contacted her or returned her attempts to contact him after. He says he never told me because of how stupid of a decision it was and he didn’t want to set us back again. He also said at the time he got caught up in the idea of a one night stand, because he‘d never done that before. I don’t know what to believe. The only saving grace is that this OW lives 6 hours away. He did say though, that he didn’t think it really “counted” as another person in our relationship because it was just the one time. I don’t agree; its one more thing /person I have to come to terms with. Plus, since then, in MC, C said for H to make sure to tell me everything, past to present, because it was my right to make a decision on where I wanted to go with H, based on truth. At the time, all H could come up with was meeting the A OW an extra time during the A then he had told me, but just for coffee. There was 2nd time I asked him to make sure I knew everything that had the potential to damage our M again. He said I knew everything. Obviously not. He says he still wants to work on fixing our M, but I don’t know what to do or think. In the time it took to pick up this girl, and go back to his hotel, where was any though of me, our kids or working on our M? The secrets again.
We did talk for over 6 hours over a 12 hour period about this, and other things. He does seem to be sorry, but I don’t want to be a fool.

[Jenna333]

(((Big hugs))) I'm sorry your H did that. If you decide to still work it out with him, focus on the fact that he told you, knowing that you could choose to end the M after hearing what he had to say. He realized that you deserved the truth. That's a big step! What you decide to do with the information is completely up to you. Some people can get past these things, while others just feel like they can't. I know I've been struggling with letting go and trusting. It's so hard.

[Jenna333]

How are you doing?