Thank you, 25yearrsmlc. I like your directness and I want to use this insane amount of pain for something positive.

Let's see.. is there another woman? about 2 weeks after W came over and stated that she wanted to go to MC with me and that she was "confident" that we could work things out, she went to dinner with a mutual friend. She told me later that week that she was surprised that she started having feelings that night for the friend, that this proved that she could not get her feelings back for me and that she "did not have any more left" to work on things with me. I do not know if she has pursued that relationship since then.

I have a lawyer and since I had the house prior to the M, the market decline and remodel loans there is not much there for her. She had agreed to settlement verbally last week and then started changing her mind.

I'll be honest, I am still confused as to what I did or didn't do based on her complaints: I was too distant, needy, controlling, needed botox, did not take care of myself, anxious, jealous, rejecting... Sometimes I agree with all of them, at least to a degree. I think a big factor was the jealousy thing. I had several times in our relationship asked her (she felt accused) about having feelings for other women.

I had not done this for a few years, but then last spring, I asked her about an ex of hers from Texas (where she is moving.) We had been friends with the ex and her partner of 12 years. The ex started talking to my W about how unhappy she was in her relationship. That seemed to cross boundaries to me and and combined with other things (the ex was coming here on business a lot and started emailing my W instead of both of us about getting together) I got suspicious. I asked my W last spring if she had feelings for the ex and she got very angry with me for asking. To be honest, all the previous times I asked were very far fetched and my W felt like I did not trust her.

Honestly, we did not argue much at all and I think now that was one of the problems. I was very avoidant of conflict and I can see now how I need to work on that. When I was little, my mom would get very irrational and angry and I never liked it. With my W, I would get flooded and shut down or give in. I was not good at hearing her feelings.

I was also jealous of the time she spent at work because she was working 60 - 70 hours a week and I did not listen well to her when she would talk about work. I wanted to talk about other things and should have been more caring.

i have been going through menopause and am not sure if I did not realize too how it was affecting me and us.

I tend to shut down when I am stressed too so I know I was not communicative and can understand how she felt disconnected. I felt her get critical a few moths before the bomb but she seemed critical of everyone, not just me so I did not think it was about us.

I so wish I could do so many things over but I can't. I have apologized and taken responsibility but she was already so angry.

I have not read love languages but will do so....

thank you, 25yearsmlc, I want to dig deep.

Me: 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
Wants to work on things: 1/12
She decides to move across country: 2/12
Move date scheduled for April 12.

Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13