Thanks for your insight 25yearsmlc...and for checking out my (long) previous thread. I probably wasn't too clear on the updates: he is now living back in the house with me, since a few days ago. I had thought it would be best for us to communicate, or at least try. This is when he came clean with me and has been honest since.
AND if you want to restore this marriage, then you have to stop wanting to expose the affair to others.
I've since stopped trying to expose this to anyone. I never told the OW's guy, and I never thought to tell anyone else for fear it would hurt him more. I agree that it would only backfire.
You had mentioned that it's a misconception of some to believe we should protect ourselves by not being too kind, for fear our spouses will take advantage of that, and not do the work to earn back trust, etc. I had honestly not considered that it was more harmful and kind of playing games. So I'm reconsidering that position, as much as I can anyway.
And I do have a lot of work to do - on me. He will be a large component in the "us" work, but I am certainly not without some seams to mend, and I know that!
I have read both DB and DR - maybe not thoroughly enough...I could use another pass or two at both. Hopefully I'll look back in a few months, or a year or more and see that all of this pain and uncomfortable feelings were what made me (and my marriage) stronger.
