taking the time to watch the wave

[BFloat]

tonight.. despite the mayhem of the kids in the house.. i feel acutely alone.

i cut the trip short and started home yesterday afternoon. didn't get home until about 2030. when we were home, H asked if i wanted him to get our bags but i said no and got them myself. i really just didn't want anything from him. and then i went upstairs and just hung out.. avoiding contact w/ him. i put the kids to bed and remained upstairs. H txted asking if everything was ok. and then he went upstairs and said goodnight to the kids and then said "see ya" to me and left. i didn't go downstairs like i usually would to lock the door.

the house is a mess. i'm cleaning and doing laundry.. i just feel so overwhelmed thinking that i will be doing this all myself for years to come.

H txted earlier today asking if i had a library card because he was thinking of going to access the internet. it seems like such a ridiculous question because why can't he just get his own card?? he has been looking for a second job in order to pay for his own place. said that he had messaged this guy asking for anything..

he doesn't want to be married. but the single life of working 2 jobs.. even crappy ones.. is better than being with me. wow. there's really nothing left to say.