Yes, differing opinions are the beauty of this board! And, I'll be the first to admit that mine aren't perfect. I will say, though, that I'm usually watchful for transferring my own personal story into someone else s life/situation... But, I'm not always successful! same here.
I think his wife is just wrong, wrong, wrong...
To me that statement typifies his attitude and has backfired repeatedly.
I don't believe She is "wrong/wrong/wrong" b/c no situation is so black and white unless she's 100% evil. Snowman has sounded incredibly critical to me.
Since an affair in the past, or a waning one, is NOT a dealbreaker for him
why declare her "Wrong" 3 times? He wants to be the better choice.
What is he supposed to DO with that statement? Feel "right but powerless" b/c she is just wrong/wrong/wrong =so that means he is stuck...can't do a thing b/c his wife is just wrong, wrong, wrong...
I'm also the sister of a woman who is married to a controlling judgemental man who has indirectly eaten away at her joi de vivre for decades.
I wish she'd leave him. He's not kind to her unless he gets something in return, which he measures like Snowman. Which means he's not kind to her actually, just "trades" with her. He's also very selfish and
he sees HER behavior as black and white (as you see Snowman's wife) but HIS behavior is justified and nuanced, and always always explainable. (This reminds me of Snowman. I don't know your situation so won't go there).
Maybe when I see "wrong/wrong/wrong" written 3 times it's just too big a turn off for me and I hear my idiot brother in law talking.
Snowman has flaws and a role here, OTHER than not setting boundaries,
which you don't seem to see, at all. True? What role do you think HE has other than "not standing up to her"? And when you say "boundaries" I think you ought to be specific.
Are you telling him to issue an ultimatum? I advise against that, as does DBing.
He does not want to do that b/c he'll most likely corner her into leaving him that much sooner.
Sure she might be playing him.
But if given the choice, I'd rather have stood for my marriage a bit too long
than quit a bit too early. Especially if it's really about my ego dictating my behavior.
but, she wouldn't be ALL wrong if he set some darn boundaries/expectations of her. Snowman doesn't lead his family. He lets the wife lead, usually on her most recent whim. okay are we talking biblical leadership or what?
Again, what is it you mean by boundaries?
Sometimes "boundaries" mean "Punish the spouse".
But my DB coach when she said it's not the job of the spouse to punish the other, or to "teach them a lesson" or to "show them the consequences of their choices" b/c that's not loving no matter how disguised it is as,
and LIFE TEACHES THEM the lessons/consequences, not us.
I agree with that but it was a hard lesson at first. I so wanted "justice"...that was my need to be "Right"..
although I may have been "more right" than my h, i was not happy and we were not rebuilding our marriage
until I got rid of the need to be right. I think it's a character flaw, frankly.
And I'm glad to be rid of it. I'm a lot happier.
I read both threads. Mostly, just his posts. Brats have high levels of expectations,
gotta say, the term "brats" is a huge turn off for me. I think you want to say "bitch" ....but regardless, it Just sounds very condeming and I don't see that as helpful here. We want their marriage to survive. We are not here to "spank the brat"...
and have no regard for those providing the service/good/feeling.
Just a few examples that I can remember: His wife moved out w/their son, into a "room" in a shared home. He let her.
as opposed to what specifically? What do you think he could have done, move out himself? NO that's not what you mean...so what is it?
Stand in the doorway? Be very clear on what you mean here.
His wife has expected him to finance most of her new lifestyle. He has. maybe that's the legal duty he has. I don't know. But I do know forcing her onto food stamps probably won't get him where he wants to go.
She's the one who had to leave with son and live with someone else, not him. He remained behind in the more comfortable home, while she had their child.
You don't seem to realize how most outsiders see that as a bad reflection on him. HER family sure does. She did too.
Have you read Crimson's thread? You may want to.
He "exposes" her infidelity, and continuously finds more evidence of it, but still pays her cell phone bill "exposed" it? If you mean he told others, i'd say "bad idea!". It looks punitive and vindictive and always backfires on the LBSer
If you mean he confronted her, that's different. But he is not a man who speaks w/clarity. Snowman I hope you begin to.
She plans a single woman vacation on a weekend/week that she has her son, then "fills him in" after the fact, that he's in charge of the son. He agrees. And, how about the tuition money/loan, etc...? EEK
OMG ^^^^HE did the same thing to her At the same time. How Did you miss that? They are "even" there totally...but I cannot stand the whole scorecard approach.
You are using HIS measuring scoop and that does not help HIM. It just says "She is wrong/wrong/wrong"...and what's He supposed to DO with that? Be really clear now...
If he wanted someone else to care for HIS son while she's gone (& she is every bit as allowed a trip as he is, he can do that OR have someone else. But why is childcare for his own child such a chore for him and "gift" to her?
The tuition or loans she took out? In her name or what?
I don't recall him paying those....
but if you are suggesting he cut her off to show her, then I would say "well, the marriage will end that much sooner but hey, think of the savings..."
except he'll force her into a corner and HE will be paying her money anyhow...
I'm sure he's contributed to their breakdown. He needles her for a new status of them, hoping for one that he likes better than the present. But...
Something tells me if he just stood up to her, and for their family, she might just find him desirable again!
His wife
I think he needs to be firmly loving, solid and uncritical. None of those things are doormat behavior.
I also believe forgiveness is a sign of strength, not weakness. Of course I don't mean to ignore things and effort on the marriage itself will have to happen or they won't restore their marriage. The only person he can control or work on, is him. Frankly, I see him as a man with some work to do.
I have said as much so this isn't news to Snowman.
He has his issues and among them are the type of black and white declarations that he does not apply to his own behavior. That seems hypocritical and self serving.
I don't think that has helped his cause at all.
you dislike her and disapprove of every choice she has made. Okay...
but Snowman wants to stay married to her. I want to help him work on himself so that no matter what
he becomes the best man and husband he can become...with or without her.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
