am i better off without him?

[scaredsilly]

thanks to both of you. sandi, i'm afraid what you're saying is exactly what i've been thinking and it breaks my heart because i love my husband but if he would continue to put his adult children's happiness before ours, i can't see how we can stay together. i would be constantly afraid of saying or doing something that he would interpret as rejecting towards them. however, they've rejected me on numerous occations (don't call me on mother's day or my birthday and don't thank me, only their father, for gifts from us). my husband doesn't like it when i complain of a double standard but it's there.

i have a delemia now: his birthday is in a couple of weeks (april 6). on my birthday, he gave me an impersonal card that could have been sent to a co-worker. i told him it was sad that this card didn't say what our cards used to say (all that lovey-dovey stuff) and he let the dam break; i don't love you, i don't want to kiss you, i don't want to touch you or hug you, i only let you kiss and hug me because it makes you feel good...

we were supposed to go out to dinner but i told him that i was not hungry and got into my pajamas. well, we started have cocktails (weird, i know). me, to deaden the pain and probably him, too. we ended up dancing with each other (he loves to dance), me showing him how i learned to do the "texas two step" and we later had great sex! in fact, i was around him for about 6 weeks after the bomb and we had more sex than we've had for the past year! talk about mixed messages!

my question is this: should i get him a birthday gift and show that i'm not a vengeful person because i really like to give him gifts. should i get a card and if so, an impersonal card would seem like score keeping. or should i just say happy birthday on the morning of his birthday and get over it? i'm sure his family (mother, sisters, and kids) will probably have something for him that i'm not invited to (no one has spoken to me since the bomb). they usually go camping on the easter weekend and his birthday is on good friday this year.

i have a gift but i'm thinking of returning it, wishing him happy birthday in a nice way, and just making sure i have things to do that keep me away from the house so i'm not just sitting there being a martyr. this is all so confusing and i feel so lost. you'd think at my age, i would be so in control of my life and i'm just like a child now; wandering around, wondering if i'm making the right choices, lost and afraid.

thank you all for your input and help. God sent me here.
xoxo