Hey Ichrus, seems like you are working through things pretty well. I believe trying to understand the depth of patience that you have to have is like trying to understand infinity. It just hurts your head. Keep doing what works, keep on GAL, keep on disengaging.
From one "control" junkie to another really just let her be. I found myself talking the talk a lot, "I know I can't control/change things" but then longing to be "fixing" things again! I eventually found myself weaning myself off trying to make him see the error of his ways. It is a gradual process but this type of situation for us "controlling types" is mostly about combating our fear of being out of control. We spent years controlling everything we could around us, or thinking we did, & then along comes the bomb!
Once I could truly accept that there was only one person I could have complete control over, I found it was really rather liberating. This has been really valuable in all aspects of my life not just my M. I have learnt that I can't control anything except how I respond, & a good C said to me, "you can choose to either react, or respond".
On another note re: your W sleeping on the couch. For me personally I told my H during his MLC/PA that I was still committed to our marriage & I would accept responsibility for 50% of the problems, however I would NOT accept responsibility for HIS CHOICE to have an affair. As such, keep staying in your bed, stay in your house, & stay true to yourself. H told me later that he had a fantasy that I'd just go & leave him in the house & make it easy for him! (Fat chance, I play the long game!!) My H said during his PA it was as if he'd experienced temporary insanity. I remember thinking that at the time, but fortunately I had enough advice from DB etc not to say that to him. I know my behaviour during this hiatus in our M totally confused him, but also he was on a crazy emotional/sexual rollercoaster of his own so a great deal of the time he didn't even "see" me. The MLC or WAS are usually so self absorbed they don't have the capacity to feel empathy, or much empathy at least. As such try not to take any of the W's behaviour personally, I know that sounds nuts but this is all about her, not you. I do feel for you & your concern for her wellbeing though. Most days I looked at my H's face & couldn't decide whether to slap it or kiss it!! He was living a life he wanted but it definitely hurt him. Following the advice from Michelle & DB we are now reconciled & dare I say it, happy. Yet - I take nothing for granted anymore. Most of all kudos to you for trying to work on your M. Only 3 of my best friends know about our troubles & I am grateful for that. There are many out there that think it is a sign of the mentally/emotionally weak if you stay after an EA or PA. I guarantee that there are plenty of folks at DB who can testify that is not the case!
Just stay positive & make sure that your actions match up with your words - good luck!
