Your situation is now similar to mine 4 years ago. W's OM moved to another country (got chased out, but W did not resist it, she just played the victim). The text messages and Yahoo messaging went on (in full view of the family) for about 3-4 months until finally she broke it off fairly brutally. His last message: 'why did you do this to me, now I have nothing'. Objectification: from being totally perfect to be be totally rejected in 6 months.
I even received a text that was meant for OM. At the time I thought it was accidental, but now I suspect it was a deliberate Passive Aggressive act designed to cause hurt, Its all part of the Chaos and Triangulation of, in my case, I suspect Borderline Behavior.
No sane rational person lives with one life-long partner and openly has a relationship with another. I would like to think I am sane/rational and I would not do it, ever, it's freakin' nuts, its like a summer vacation in Belgium, you just do not do it!
Take a step back, imagine you are your own best friend, what advice would you give yourself regarding his behavior? Same as your Doctors, possibly?
Actually it sounds to me like with all your activities you are doing the best you can under these circumstances. For me 4 years ago it was a 7 month nightmare and the worry of trying to keep my family together meant I could never relax my guard.
I found that the process was full of little victories/baby steps, i.e. OP moves to another country, the messaging reduces, you do a few more things together.
Keep reminding yourself that you did not cause this, this is not your fault, you are not to blame, and there is nothing you can do to fix it. Just keep detaching (in a loving way if you wish). You are the most important person to you, love yourself recognize how well you have done so far.
Wendy I think you are doing a pretty good job of getting on with life.
Hey Wendy. What ever happens with your sitch, as Bond mentioned in my thread, no... it is not necessarily a mission for people to be a couple.
Not sure if you saw, but 25 also posted a message for you in my thread. You may have not seen it as it was on the last page, at the top.
Due to your circumstances in upbringing, you may have come to the conclusion that once you were done taking care of your family, it was your role in life to keep taking care of people... thus you went from your family, to the room mate, to the husband, to the kids... and with the kids gone, you may feel you need to keep that role with your H...
Yes... People do crave companionship in some form. One is for pro-creation... another for companionship... general, homogeneous discourse...
But most people, at the time of puberty... are driven NOT to be a couple... but to be an individual... to have their own life... to be SINGLE...
As you may have never had that in your life. it may be something that you are only just learning for yourself, now...
Again, that doesn't mean you have to D... it doesn't have to mean you stop doing things for H... all in the name of finding yourself...
You appear to be doing a decent enough job stretching your legs on that...
Just keep doing what you are doing, for the time being... because IF you end up D... You DO NOT have to get into a new R... it is not your purpose in life... it is your CHOICE if and when you might want it...
I realize that even my dream, to open a studio where all my friends can come over and be creative with me is a way of trying to take care of others! (OUCH! My head hurts from all this thinking.)
But I did have a great sense of relief that came with some of these revelations. I won't say I am de-stressed completely. But I have a bit of weird calm going on.
I am headed out to Art & Flea. It is "Walk Like an Egyptian" night. I threw together a costume, and about to go put on too much make-up......
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Thanks for the encouraging words. I remembered something funny. I need to read the Chaos and Triangulation stuff some more.
But whe we went to my class reunion my H 'accidently' sent OW a photo of me in front of the capitol building. He said he was trying to send her a photo of himself. I was wearing a black athletic top and bottom. He was wearing tan shorts and a blue shirt. Seemed unlikely that he sent my photo by accident.
She angrily texed back that she is upset because I had lost so much weight that I was smaller than she is in pant sizes.
(Because evidently it is a contest and the one with the smallest behind wins the love of the world class ____.)
I struggle with moving on, but need to just keep putting on foot in front of the next.
Yes, 50 is the new 40!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Last night was the last one of those events I will do. I was going to predict that if I wore too much make-up in my dressing up for the event, that some crass old dude would hit on me.
My evening went ok until the end. My friend and her daughter came by for 2 hours. They left at 9. I was just sitting behind my table when some toothless old guy comes over and says "Hi" and sits down behind my table.
I thought maybe he thought he knew me. Maybe he was a fellow vendor who I didn't remember. I asked him "How are you doing?" He went into a long ramble about how he couldn't smoke his cigarette inside, but couldn't drink his beer outside. He was carrying both a beer and a half a cigarette, that had been put out.
He then explained that he was told by the bouncer he had to come sit in one of these chairs. Now the chairs are behind tables and pretty plainly not in the public sitting area. Did I tell you all that I attract crazy?
The guy asked me three times can he buy me a beer. I tell him no, I don't want a beer. I'm trying to be polite, hoping he will go away soon. He does leave, but comes back with a new beer, By this time it is time to pack up and he was in my way, sitting way to close to my purse and seriously just demented.
I picked up my chair, put it in front of the table, and asked the guy to sit there so I could pack my stuff. He complained and I told him that the chairs behind the tables were for people selling stuff. He got grumpy and left.
And I was feeling like I was mean, when in fact I should have confronted him the first time he sat down. I always let people walk all over me. I really hate that about myself.
Then I was feeling bad because this poor old toothless guy probably didn't have anyone be nice to him the whole day. Them I had to say to myself: Not My Problem!
Anyway, put on a ton of eyemake-up and some Egyptian gear and I guess you get what you pay for!
We did get to hula hoop with the hula girls last night, so a little fun!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Today I actually got a little spew from H. He grumbled because in his opinion I am not doing enough to get the house ready to sell, said we are way behind on our schedule.
I told him we have not really discussed anything. To which he said we said we were listing the house Feb 1st. I told him HE said list the house in Feb and I didn't hear a date. That was the one time we saw the MC.
He keeps acting like she was a judge and what was said was law. That was in Nov! I told him I don't know what he wants we never discuss anything, he just jumps in and does what he wants, seemingly randomly.
Our conversation ended with him flipping me off. I replied: "Whatever". I was working on our taxes, was close to having another R talk. So I jumped in the car and left to do some errands on the other side of the island.
I texted him to tell him I was going out and needed to clear my head. This was around 2:30. At 5 I was headed back and got a text from him saying he was going to a movie and would get dinner while out.
I passed him going out of the neighborhood while I was going in.
I get in the door 5 minutes later and get a text from him. But OOPS it is a text to OW sent to me by mistake. Seems she has been out of contact all day, but that's okay, he thinks she went to bed early, and he loves her.
This falls under Chaos and Triangulation. And WTF and a few other things. And is really making me see the light.
My H has very rarely said "Love Ya" at the end of texts, phone calles, conversations. I really think I was lucky to see it wrtitten on the rare cards I got from him.
I think maybe he never really did love me. I think he is an emotional retard. I am sick to death of this. I am trying my best to move along, work on myself, and realize that maybe what I am grieving for was a figment of my imagination.
And this is going to sound like rationalizing, but if I admit the truth, I have been wondering for many years what kind of future we (H and I) were going to have.
Many times I have looked at the extensive collection of jewelry I have. Much of it hand made by me. And I have wondered why I have all that stuff when I am married to a guy who HATES social events.
I also look at him, and he dorked up his back about 10 years ago, and wonder how I am going to handle being married to someone who is grumpy about their pain. And feel guilty for saying this, but he NEVER went to the doctor about it, and it healed up bad.
I got him to the chiropractor a couple years ago, and the x-ray would have been funny if it weren't for him being my H. His back is actually out of joint, like kinked around so the discs don't stack up right. I begged him to go to a doctor for years. He never would.
And now he stands up and can't straighten up all the way til he walks a few steps. And I suppose that is my fault, too.
Part of the spew today was how I am a terrible housekeeper, I haven't kept the house clean in 10 years! (The house is clean right now, just evidently not to his standards)
Ten years happens to be how long we have lived in the tropics. And I have said on here before I never knew how much geckos pooped 'til I started sharing a home with them.
I also kind of think that it goes back more to his having the A and wanting to leave me before. I don't think I have done anything to please him since. I think he has been comparing me to her, and her imagined perfection since. Now he is comparing me to OW and her imagined perfection.
One of her favorite topics of conversation is about the hours and hours she spends scrubbing down every surface of her house.
It really doesn't matter. I just wish I could get myself more motivated and less depressed. It is easy to say and hard to do! I got invited to a friends 50th B-day party tonight. Guess I will get dressed and go over for awhile.
Okay, enough venting!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
HI Wendy! Glad that you seem to be doing very well. I have been keeping up with your sitch although I haven't been posting much. Whats happening to you reminds me of the worst period of my sitch, when my H and the OW first decided to cut off contact. My H was so miserable then, and he would threaten to pack up and leave with everything I would say or do. But when I actually would say 'lets go see a lawyer" he would balk.
I was a total mess, unlike you. I would go crazy at times -panic attacks, etc. Even my D who was 12 was so affected - she even cut herself once.
Hard to believe that we did get over those rough times! But as For my family says, OW leaves, our spouses go crazy, but after a while, they adjust to life without OW, then slowly, good times come back.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Wendy, I am so sorry that you are having to deal w/this nonsense. Your first priority right now is your taxes. As for getting the house ready to be put on the market, that's a "joint" effort and it appears that your h has selective memory or no memory at all of what was discussed previously. This is par for course because they do tend to forget things during the crisis.
As for keeping the house clean, he's looking for a justification for his behavior and yes, they do tend to compare us to the op. I could have written what you said about the "love ya" at the end of notes, etc. My xh was the same way. It's funny, but I too, wondered what life would be like w/my xh years out, you know old and in rocking chairs on the front porch. I could never visualize us together doing that because his family dies quite young, i.e., 60's. My family lives to be late 80's, 90's and even 101. So, I can relate to what you wrote.
As for his back problem, he will have decide whether it is worth the pain each and every time he stands up or go to the doctor's. I think he's afraid that the doctor is going to tell him requires surgery. I know you have no control over him and what he does, but the man needs to have that taken care of before it gets any worse. Oh, well...he'll learn the hard way.
Wendy, please take care of yourself. I do worry about you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did go to my friends toga party last night. It was nice, just chatting , eating and drinking. No one getting blazingly drunk. Met some nice people. Practiced talking less and listening more.
When I got to my car, there was a sweet anonomyous text message waiting for me. The subject was: SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT
The message was trunticated. But what I got was: Relationships are a sacred bond, a circle of trust, if both are not 100% on board it is not w
I'm guessing the last word is working. Why is OW sending me a text like that? Does she think the circle of trust she formed with my H while they both lied to me is some how a new better circle?
Why does she think that by sending me things anonomyously I won't figure out who is doing it. And back to why is she sending me stuff.
Oh, never mind, Chaos and Triangulation. I left so I wouldn't talk to him more yesterday. So he probably fussed at her, when he finally talked to her. Leaving her no one to fuss to but me.
I am trying the best I can to take care of myself. I was really down yesterday. And my doc had asked me did I think I was the only one in the world who ever felt like this. I told him no, that was what was making it worse for me. Knowing how many of us are suffering, knowing there are a lot of us feeling just like this.
And that is funny about the age thing. MY great-grandma made it to 101. She was active up 'til she was 99. My other's all have been mid 80's. My H's family not so much. I know my H thinks he only has a few years left to live.
And that being said, I do think he should go and try to make himself happy. I just don't think he needs to try and leave me ruined and broke.
I am headed out to a Sashiko class for the quilt guild. I don't know if fun will be the right word. I will learn something, though!
Aloha,
Wendy
And I got home around 9:45.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
