Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

Thanks, MrBond. I just wasn't sure, considering my 180 to avoid the topic of my IL's.

I spoke to H on the phone about it yesterday. I did manage to stay calm about it, so at least the 180 wasn't completely dropped.

It wasn't terrible, but it could've gone better...

I started off the convo saying that it was hard for me to bring it up, I didn't want to upset him but I felt it was too important to me to just let it go. That IL's interference in our business has been an ongoing issue in our M and that previously, out of respect for his wishes, I had let things slide and never said anything to them about my feelings - which I believe now was a mistake as IL's behaviour has escalated to now what I see as blatant meddling.

H was annoyed and became very defensive. He felt that his parents were only trying to help, that they had done nothing wrong & that they were offering constructive feedback. That that's what people do when you put your house on the market, they look at the listing and give their opinions about it.

My response to that was that I never asked for their opinion and our realtor never asked for their opinion (I'm almost certain that H never asked for their opinion either, but didn't say that). I asked him if he remembered some of the things we had discussed with our realtor on the day that we signed our contract. (the weather was dark and horrible that day & our realtor had already said that he would return once it brightened up to re-take photos so they would appear better in the listing but it was better to at least have something initially, rather than nothing).

He said he remembered.

I told him that I felt that sending the email was insulting to our ability to handle things on our own as adults, and the content was insulting to our realtor and his capabilities and knowledge of how to do his job.

I said that there was nothing I could do about his own willingness or unwillingness to accept this sort of behaviour from his parents, it was his choice; But that it just isn't something I can tolerate any more. That when it involves me and effects me and my business, it just couldn't happen anymore. I told him that I would leave it up to him how to handle it. If he wasn't comfortable telling his parents to back off, that I would do it. But that something needed to be done.

H spewed off a pot shot about my parents, saying that at least his parents are better parents than mine, which I ignored. (It's comparing apples to oranges. My parents were physically & emotionally abusive up until I cut off contact with them several years ago)

Then there was a looooong pause...

H then said that he would make sure that anything they did in the future wouldn't effect me.

I told him that I was getting the impression that he thought I was being ridiculous or unreasonable and asked him if that was the case. (his tone was setting off some red flags, which is why I asked him this)

Another long pause...

He said he disagreed with me, he didn't think that his parents were being intrusive. But he understood that my perspective was different. That since I felt that my business was being infringed upon, it wasn't ridiculous or unreasonable.

I then expressed to H that I had some very real fears about things between us going south. That based on past experience, things between us have quickly become hostile when his parents involved themselves in descisions that should be made between himself and I. I used Christmas as the most recent example. (Christmas was an absolute disaster & H even agreed that his parents and sister were manipulating us both to fuel our anger and manipulate the situation to suit their own adjenda. In the end, it was D12 was the one who was hurt the most). I told him that I'm happy with how well we are relating with each other and didn't want to see that become compromised.

H let out a huge sigh. "I said I would make sure that you wouldn't be effected by them in the future, what more do you want?"

I told him that I didn't feel like I was being heard.

H then said that he's also happy with how well we are getting along lately and starting to rebuild a friendship.

I thanked him for that.

We then talked a bit about D12 and what was going on with her, about my therapy lately, about his current psych issues (which now has me worried even more about him), about a couple of showings and the open house our realtor has planned for the weekend.

So the conversation at least ended on a good note. Then later last night we had a short text exchange about some of my therapy homework that ended with us saying goodnight to each other.

What an emotionally exhausting day. I really hate rollercoasters.