Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing

[adinva]

Hi Jenna - I read the last couple of pages of posts and wanted to chime in because I've been in the rut you seem to be in.

Regarding the going-out, the way it sounded to me was you resent him going out, period. When questioned about that you toned it down to the fact that he drinks too much, that's all you resent. Your objection got slippery and changed. You want him home some, and you want him to be careful with his drinking, so you might talk to him about why you feel that way, what needs you have that you're hoping he'll modify his own behavior in order to accommodate, because he loves you. Admit to what you need and ask for it in a clear way and in a way that you can be sure he understands.

Regarding the slave comment, you need to try not to fly off the handle if he says something you don't like. If you responded in all seriousness, that, no, you don't want him to be a slave, and ask him if that sounds like slavery to him, then you're getting closer to understanding each other. Instead of understanding what he's saying, you would rather control what he's saying.

Regarding controlling what he's saying, did he really apologize for "bringing up poker"? Is he not allowed to bring up events he'd like to attend because bringing it up will make you mad? He should be able to bring up poker, dancing, lap dances, and all-night drinking binges. That's where you discuss things and come to understand each other. That's where you get to say, whatever it is that you need to: if he goes to poker Friday can he spend time with you Saturday, or is this weekend not good but another one is OK, or are you opposed to his ever playing poker, or what?

He's learning what my husband learned. Asking to go to xyz created an argument so I won't bring it up again... Making a "slave" joke got you mad so I won't say that word again... and so on. He had so many rules in his head and everything became an obligation and a chore, and I was the root of all that was bad in his life. This happened over a lot of years and in a way that I thought he WANTED to be with the kids every weekend and WANTED a house and a yard to take care of and WANTED pets and sleepovers and chaos. And then one day I found out I had no idea what he wanted.

Anyway, I'm learning, and hope you can learn, to listen for his side of the conversation. Rather than putting the words you expect into his mouth and making him into the husband and dad you expect, find out who he is, what he thinks, and how he hopes to be a dad and husband and buddy and partier. And treat his needs as legitimate, as much as yours are.

My T had a conversation with her h that she used to illustrate a lot of this for me. He was a rock climber and often climbed without ropes or otherwise took chances. When they had a small baby, and he continued to climb, she had a conversation with him expressing her fear that something would happen to him and her need for him to be alive and well so they could raise their baby. She asked him to consider wearing a helmet and using ropes to accommodate her needs and feelings, and because he loved her and the baby, he did do that. She didn't ask him to stop climbing because she knew he needed it and it was something she loved about him.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I feel like the blind leading the blind sometimes, but I really think you two need more help communicating so you don't suffocate each other.