It says that the one-up is as uncomfortable with the situation as the one-down because they feel they can never give enough, or the one-down is too critical, too needy etc. etc.
That model is slightly different because the one-up is not portrayed as selfish. That book suggests that when the one-down stops pursuing, the one-up will feel relief and will now have space to increase their contribution to the relationship.
THIS is a different take. It sounds more like your situation, like your wife doesn't really like your extra effort because then it makes her feel bad.
