Considering Quixote

[25yearsmlc]

sorry I can't post more now but YES to the coaching package.


It was the single best thing I did to make it through our crisis. They are specific and solution based.

Stop snooping. See how it did NOT help you?

Same with the semi-confronting. You are testing her and that sets you both up for failure.

If she lies, "she's a liar" and you feel like crap. If she confesses to something real with OM, then it's out there

and all the work she sees you doing on yourself appears tactical and as if

you "suddenly care ONLY b/c there's competition"... Like it's only b/c you want

to "win", not change for real.


See, if you KNEW w/ 100% certainty that any type of affair would definitively end the marriage, then I could see the need to know.

I"d disagree with you but I'd understand...and

then and only then, would snooping make sense to me.

BUT if your goal is to win her back by being the better choice, how does it help you to have details?

Makes it harder for you to focus on YOUR work which is all you control. The more you focus on what she might be doing/thinking/feeling/planning

the slower your own work progresses, if at all.

Finally, due to the distance from OM, AND her willingness to stick around for a year w/you...I'm not sure the OM means that much to her for real.

But hey, I didn't see the FB messages. I just know you have the gift of TIME to show her the changes....

how do you want to spend that time?

You'll get some advice to confront and give an ultimatum. See what the DB books say about ultimatums...(they don't like them).

I heard of it working to get a WAW home...once.

Fifty or more other DBers who did that, had it backfire.

I'm not saying to never address this issue. I'm saying for sure NOT NOW

and if/when you do it, have a realistic goal for what you expect.

Thinking she'll volunteer to end it AND then follow through, is MUCH less likely than her hiding it more & lying better,

or her just leaving you b/c she feels cornered by you.

***The more people you discuss this with, also hurts the cause.

Your need to relieve your guilt cannot come at more cost to HER. (The porn public confessions confused me as to their purpose. I think you said She was quite humiliated. And that hurt your m. Do you agree?

Same goes for "exposing the affair". It Looks punitive, (& usually is, although disguised with self righteousness). And it ALWAYS backfires.

And remember this, since you want the marriage to be reconciled.

You need to KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH"...

so don't make it harder for her than it already would be, by telling others.


But Ask the DB coaches.


Discuss that^^^ w/them so you'll be ready when you obsess OR get conflicting advice here which makes it harder.
My BDB Coachi was a Godsend, exactly who I needed at that exact time in my life

more later, but good luck!