I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[adinva]

Hi Bill - if you were wondering if you'd see the kids why didn't you say that was why? Why'd you say "just checking"? Just checking would be the more annoying reason over the actual truth, could be why she huffed and slammed the door.

[Norfolkdumpling]

Hi again Bill, I know this isn't easy but you have to just totally disengage & concern yourself with what you are doing. If your W was already obviously angry/short with you when she got home then anything you do, include sit in the same room or breathe near her! My H did this to me & I just removed myself to another part of the house or went out. Did such odd things as going out for dinner by myself so I didn't seem to be "waiting" or getting on his nerves.

[Norfolkdumpling]

Also, I think her anger is transfering/externalisation - or it could be a way of rationalising her behaviour. If she demonises you anything goes so to speak re: treatment of you. To be fair, what is going on in her world is in some part irrelevant to your life right now. Hang in there, it [censored] badly but just keep reading Michelle's book & anything else that helps. What I did was start to be a little unpredictable, I'd go out & stay out late without explanation. I had that fear that it'd mean he'd return the favour but he was already having a PA so hell, what could I lose?! One other thing, you have to get out there & do stuff that pleases you, even if it's just a walk. You have to GAL but although actions speak louder than words it has to be authentic. They have to see you "through different eyes".

[Norfolkdumpling]

Oh & Bill I re-read your kind words re my sitch. It isn't that I won't post it I just haven't worked out how to do it! So for you my sitch:

Me: 41 H: 40
M: 2+ yrs T: 17+ yrs
No kids just Dog!
Bomb: ILYBNILWY & wanted a divorce 11/15/2011
Confirmed EA: 11/24/2011
Reconciled: 12/16/2011
Confirmed PA: 01/08/2012
Just taking it all one day at a time!

In some ways although this has been the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life, I have learnt so much & gained so much. I was lucky because I found Michelle's website & books before I found out about his affair.

[Norfolkdumpling]

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[Denver_2010]

Bill, does she know why you are doing what you are doing? Have you told her that you will not be a part of a marriage that has third parties involved? That she needs to cut off contact with OM?

Personally, if not, I would have that convo so that it is clear that your recent behavior is not just a temper tantrum. I'm not saying it is, but you don't want it perceived that way by your W.

IMO, you need to have ONE conversation with her letting her know what your boundaries are.

Denver

[breakdownbill]

Hi Bill - if you were wondering if you'd see the kids why didn't you say that was why? Why'd you say "just checking"? Just checking would be the more annoying reason over the actual truth, could be why she huffed and slammed the door.

You're probably right, I've been struggling to keep my composure when my W gets into a confrontation with me. I find it hard to think sometimes when she puts me on the spot. I think it's psychological, I'm gonna have to work on this. I don't know why she has this effect on me, nobody else does.

Oh well, i'll keep trying, thanks Adinva, keep giving me these reality checks please, I need them LOL :-)

[breakdownbill]

Bill, does she know why you are doing what you are doing? Have you told her that you will not be a part of a marriage that has third parties involved? That she needs to cut off contact with OM?

Personally, if not, I would have that convo so that it is clear that your recent behavior is not just a temper tantrum. I'm not saying it is, but you don't want it perceived that way by your W.

IMO, you need to have ONE conversation with her letting her know what your boundaries are.

Denver

Hi Denver

The last conversation about our M was last Thursday and my W said she was done and that she's not trying anymore. She added that when my course is finished at the begining of May, we'll sort out the seperation. I'm a bit wary of bringing the conversation up again as she has pretty much said it's over between us. So I don't know if that conversation will achieve anything for me besides push her away even further (if that's even possible).

I can see the logic, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do, I don't exactly have much leverage and my detaching has done nothing but hack her off so far.

Do you still think it's wise to have that conversation?

[breakdownbill]

I know it would be a backslide from detaching, but I really feel like I should clear the air with my W. Maybe say that I've been giving her space since Thursday and that I have been coming to terms with what she wants, but that there is no reason why we can't get along and be nice to each other. That this is not good for either of us.

Is that pursuing? I don't feel like talking about our R right now anyway, because it wouldn't acheive anything. I don't want to quiz her over the OM and I don't want to ruin any hope of us reconciling in the future.

I'm in a bit of a dilema, because the atmosphere in this house is starting to stink and I think I'm just making my W resent me & that her decision is being vindicated each day we are interacting like this.

Any thoughts on this and my previous post?

[Denver_2010]

Don't have the conversation that I suggested. I would suggest that you continue to lovingly detach. Need to continue GALing. Try doing some new things. Pick up a new hobby. Go out. Go buy yourself some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Try to have a positive attitude and be happy when you are around her. If you are working on any 180's, continue to do so.

But don't R talk, don't pursue, and don't pressure.

My guess is that you will see a negative reaction from your W. Sounds like you already may be seeing that. What she needs to see is you moving on with your life and being happy.

Nothing can happen as long as she is infatuated with OM and he is in the picture. So this is going to take A LOT of patience on your part... and probably a lot of time.

Listen, this is hard stuff. I was successful with some of it, and not so much on the rest. I believe in it though. And I have seen the most positive progress during the times that I have done these things.

Denver