I havent posted in a while. my rollercoaster continues to roll along though. the highs seem higher and the lows lower. ive had 6 coaching sessions and they always make me feel better and more positive. This message board has been incredibly helpfull in reading all the different sitches out there and realizing its not just me.
W has said some positive stuff in the past few months that made me feel like maybe she was coming around." if you die before me i hope your in heaven waiting for me".."i need you in my life i feel like we are attached by an umbilical cord"... "2 people can love each other and not be married"she said once she wishes there was someone in her same sitch she could talk to and i said you know alot of divoced women and she said "yeah but none of them still love there ex"..." i think about trying to come back to you 100 times a day but i just cant. i made a decision and i have t stick to it. i cant be like that." she usually wants a big minute and half hug when i see her and will come put her head on my shoulder. sometimes she gives me the long in love stare into my eyes.She also keeps talking about being jealous of any one I may see and that she will be like that forever. she says she knows thats not rational... she said the other day " if we were ever to see each other in the future it would be something new a fresh start" I said of course our old relationship is dead. These things i guess keep me holding on to the rope of hope.
The negatives are she is very much still involed w OM and she brings him around my kids more... sometimes when i see her she is very distant not looking in my direction at all. She has made some more steps closer to the D and is saying we need to get this done cause it feels so immoral. of course there is also the occasional blow up where she really can get mean. this happened 2 days ago.
I had dropped the kids off and evrything was pretty friendly. W-arent i gonna get a hug M- come and get it W-you need to squeeze tighter so i did. we were having a good visit until i brought up a bill for her that she wasnt expecting. she freaked and took it out on me. it escalated into her calling me a fake and the om was brought up . which i know is to be avoided. anyways left feeling pretty down. her texting later that we need t get this D done.i think some of this blow up is because i told her a week ago that i was going on a trip and wouldnt tell her where or w who. i said i dont ask you about your personal life. i feel like i shouldnt share mine w you.so naturally for her she assumed i was going t see a girl. i wasnt and that trip fell thru yesterday anyways.
I believe ive been doing a descent job of Dbing .. giving space and rarely initiating contact. i put a smile on whenever im around and try to listen and validate. be a friendly neighbor. i know ive been doin a great job as a dad and she has noticed that but she thinks its temporary. ive gone on some trips with friends, doing my hobbies and hitting the gym pretty hard. I know i need to detach my emotions. Ive read everything i can find on it and keep trying to make it happen but t be honest not much luck. i keep it tgether round my W ok. but with my job on the road and at home i find myself alone alot and it can be just brutal even after 8months as all of you know. I think my W needs to think that i have completely moved on. i try to portray that "as if" but shes too smart. i think she knows im there t go back to. i feel like the only way t do that is date, and i dont want to be unfair t someone else...suggestions?
I dont think she is head over heels in love w OM. but he apparently is w her. he is swingin for the fence. i know i can only control me, just venting thanks for any response.
