"Actually IMO, the reason that more divorces END when a wife leaves, as opposed to when a h leaves, is b/c a woman usually only leaves when she has nothing at all left for her h. Her love tank is totally empty. Therefore there's no real reason for her to "try and make it work".
In her mind she already has done the work for years. And when her needs were not met she looked to the kids b/c all woman want intimacy in their lives. (It's a NEED we have.)"
I'd really like to explore this a little more. I'm going to post on my thread and hope to get some perspective from some of the posters.
where is your thread 2? I'm having trouble finding it and didn't want to hijack crimson's or others...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Great advice 25. I needed to here so much of what you just wrote.
This is what is so great about the boards. If you had written that post directly to me it might not have been as compelling to me. But now it is obvious to me and I am compelled to work on me.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks 25 for all the time you spent on my thread. I was an idiot i realize that now. I do want to make it clear that I love my wife and i am committed to saving my marriage. Its hard here to post everything thats happened and whats been said.I know im not the best at expressing myself well, something im trying to work on.
we did go to a few marriage counseling sessions in the beginning and it seemed like the counselor was talking to her 85% of the time.told her you are making him responsible for your happiness and you cant do that. counselor asked me if i was willing to make changes and i said yes but she didnt really give me anything to change.i think we should of went to a different counselor.
Two months ago I pursued my wife for a couple weeks( a love letter, flowers at her new work, the pleading to give us a chance. she said too little too late, where were you 2 months ago? you are just jealous, you think of me as your possesion,Im on this path and im gonna continue.. maybe in a few months we can see. I told her what i was thinking before and that i was wrong.ive told her ive been reading and researching relationships and i know now many little things i should have done that could of made a huge difference for us.
well after a couple weeks of that she started treating me like i was losing my mind and acting like she was worried that i was becoming crazy. so googling for a strategy is where i came up with no contact or limited with the kids and all. then i found this site and im thinking i need to come up with a better strategy. i just received DR book and i plan on talking to a coach.
I really dont feel like a controlling person everyone tells me that im laid back guy. after reading 100 pages of DR it really rings alot of bells with the nagging and pulling away and becoming distant. but we always seemed to make up.
Im in the travel industry and ive actually been home more in the last year than ever.
I feel at the moment she still loves me i see it. i think that she feels she has done so much damage because of OM. its not that big of a town. all his friends have completely written him off. our circle of friends are hurt by there relationship and it forces them closer. i think she feels she owes him something for sacrificing his two closes friends for her.
she said the other day that she has noticed some changes in me. more time effort and attention with the kids. i listen to her better when she talks. going to the gym. she said why didnt you do this 6 months ago?
I need to talk to a coach. i want to make sure i have the right stategy and give everything i have. you guys are the best thanks for all the responses
Let us know what your coach suggests Lost because a lot of us are in a similar situation in figuring out how much or little to pursue and how much or little to detach.
well havent posted in awhile and things havent changed a whole lot, some ups and downs. ive had 2 coach sessions and my current plan is to "let the dust settle" , be like the friendly neighbor, avoid confrontation, be a great dad, and be attractive/confident around W.
Ive read the love languages book and learned alot about what i was neglecting in my M. my W is clearly a quality time person and after 15 years i was complacent and so caught up in my own hobbies that i was not giving her the time she deserved/needed.
The W seems to be initiating contact more frequentley lately and Ive been doing , i think, a good job of keeping the conversation friendly with compliments and praise for her accomplishments at work and etc. sometimes she seems aggravated and itching to be angry at me and ive been fairly successful at biting my tongue and keeping the conv cool.
She is still seeing the OM just as much as ever and it continues to eat at my soul, but i dont bring it up to her. Its tuff my friends heck her old friends (she hardly has any right now)tell me Im a good guy with alot goin for me. they all think she is gonna come back eventually but i shouldnt take her after what shes done and continues to do. they all beleive shes trying to keep me as a backup if the new R doesnt wrk out.cake eating i guess. but im not at the quitting point yet. i know ill get there eventually but im not there yet. my coach said she is in a MLC and she wants to punish me. but she appears to still have strong feelings for me.
Im not and have not dated anyone thru all of this but she always seems to be fishing for info and making jealous comments like i have someone in my life. she told me the other day that she keeps having dreams that i have remarried. i told her you dont have to worry about that anytime soon.She has also brought up, twice in the last week, her finishing and filing the D paperwork so that i can be free of her . i said do what you feel like you need to do. we wont be free of each other for along time we have 2 kids. is she really gonna do it or is she trying to see what my reaction would be?
The one giant positive in all of this is the relationship i have with my kids has never been better. I am a lucky man to have those 2 in my life. the W and I definitly got something right with them.
W has talked/texted more about getting paperwork done for the big D tday. Asking questions for forms etc. It sounds like shes moving along even though we have been interacting well lately.she says she cant live like this anymore. feels so disrespectfull of all we built tgether. that i deserve better than that.? I as in me not her.
Im pretty nervous right now. dont know how to take it?scared
I havent posted in a while. my rollercoaster continues to roll along though. the highs seem higher and the lows lower. ive had 6 coaching sessions and they always make me feel better and more positive. This message board has been incredibly helpfull in reading all the different sitches out there and realizing its not just me.
W has said some positive stuff in the past few months that made me feel like maybe she was coming around." if you die before me i hope your in heaven waiting for me".."i need you in my life i feel like we are attached by an umbilical cord"... "2 people can love each other and not be married"she said once she wishes there was someone in her same sitch she could talk to and i said you know alot of divoced women and she said "yeah but none of them still love there ex"..." i think about trying to come back to you 100 times a day but i just cant. i made a decision and i have t stick to it. i cant be like that." she usually wants a big minute and half hug when i see her and will come put her head on my shoulder. sometimes she gives me the long in love stare into my eyes.She also keeps talking about being jealous of any one I may see and that she will be like that forever. she says she knows thats not rational... she said the other day " if we were ever to see each other in the future it would be something new a fresh start" I said of course our old relationship is dead. These things i guess keep me holding on to the rope of hope.
The negatives are she is very much still involed w OM and she brings him around my kids more... sometimes when i see her she is very distant not looking in my direction at all. She has made some more steps closer to the D and is saying we need to get this done cause it feels so immoral. of course there is also the occasional blow up where she really can get mean. this happened 2 days ago.
I had dropped the kids off and evrything was pretty friendly. W-arent i gonna get a hug M- come and get it W-you need to squeeze tighter so i did. we were having a good visit until i brought up a bill for her that she wasnt expecting. she freaked and took it out on me. it escalated into her calling me a fake and the om was brought up . which i know is to be avoided. anyways left feeling pretty down. her texting later that we need t get this D done.i think some of this blow up is because i told her a week ago that i was going on a trip and wouldnt tell her where or w who. i said i dont ask you about your personal life. i feel like i shouldnt share mine w you.so naturally for her she assumed i was going t see a girl. i wasnt and that trip fell thru yesterday anyways.
I believe ive been doing a descent job of Dbing .. giving space and rarely initiating contact. i put a smile on whenever im around and try to listen and validate. be a friendly neighbor. i know ive been doin a great job as a dad and she has noticed that but she thinks its temporary. ive gone on some trips with friends, doing my hobbies and hitting the gym pretty hard. I know i need to detach my emotions. Ive read everything i can find on it and keep trying to make it happen but t be honest not much luck. i keep it tgether round my W ok. but with my job on the road and at home i find myself alone alot and it can be just brutal even after 8months as all of you know. I think my W needs to think that i have completely moved on. i try to portray that "as if" but shes too smart. i think she knows im there t go back to. i feel like the only way t do that is date, and i dont want to be unfair t someone else...suggestions?
I dont think she is head over heels in love w OM. but he apparently is w her. he is swingin for the fence. i know i can only control me, just venting thanks for any response.
