DBing while settling finances

[25yearsmlc]

Dear NG,
I'm sorry you are here, but you are in the best place for a lousy reason.

You can learn a lot about yourself here...it's the one upside to this situation...becoming the best YOU that you can be.

BTW, I'm very direct and short of time atm. So I'll cut to the chase...

Hi Mr. Bond,
Thank you for your note. We are both women, so I don't think there is another man. There may be another woman, I am not sure. In February, when she wanted to work on our M and go to MC, she stopped after a few weeks because she had gone out to dinner with a friend and had some feelings for her.

that ^^ is significant to me. Flesh that out please. Really.... what's the story?


I am writing here tonight instead of sending her an angry, hurt note.


smart!

I got an email today with a list of statues and art pieces she wants to take with her. Perhaps it is unfair of me, but it feels like I have already been stripped of so much in this process (our marriage, the dreams of our future, the love of my life) that I feel so hurt when I get these requests for things... I know they are just things and I am not even sure why it hurts so badly. Maybe because those things are important enough to go with her while I am just left behind..

the two issues ( the marriage and the things) are separate. She certainly sees them as separate and you probably should too, b/c I fear you are taking this too lightly b/c you are afraid of upsetting her more.

What will she do if you upset her, leave? OH wait, she already is leaving.

Maybe standing up for yourself will be attractive to her, (at least it would be new behavior, right?) But if it's not, you are not hurting yourself...
And you need to be less predictable with her now.

I think you'd be wise to protect yourself. What does your lawyer say? If you have not talked to one or hired one, do so asap...


I guess I am in the LRT stage and I know that I should not let her see how much this all hurts. Thank you DBers for letting me vent here.

As far as your other question, Mr Bond, (James?), there have been a long list along the way. I think the primary was that I was distant recently.

this^^^ is too vague for me to wrap my brain around or to advise as to how to correct...can't say how to do a 180 b/c I don't know what you mean. Be specific please.

I am self-employed and was trying to build up my business by working for three contractors for awhile. I thought I was doing the right thing for our future. She was busy too after a promotion but I guess she felt like I was too distant.


you seem to be explaining yourself here...did you neglect or ignore her or not? DIG DEEPER. It's okay to have screwed up. Most of us have.

What do you think her "love language" is and what is yours?


Also, I know I would tend to shut down when we would argue.


meaning what? You'd walk away? Ignore her? Be silent? What? How did you resolve conflicts? How were her feelings handled by you?


I have been working on myself since this started and wish I had the chance to do things differently but she says that she has no feelings for me and is not willing to work on trying to get them back.


what do you mean by "working on" yourself? You said her list of complaints was long...

but all I see are two vague ones that you sort of immediately explain/defend, so...do you think they were flaws or traits you want to work on or not?

Were you "right" to be the way you are? Is that what matters to you most now?

IOW, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Do YOU want to change YOU?

You are the only one posting here so you are the only one we can help.

We/You have no control over her. But you CAN control you and that can change a marriage.

When one person changes in a 2 person r, the r itself does change.

also, why'd you two move to where you are now anyhow? Did she like her job? And do you like yours? You sound really busy...are you happy with it?

Any drinking, kids, prior m's, substance abuse or tempers flaring? Any repeated complaints about anything?

What were her most consistent complaints? Do you think there is ANY validity to them?

If so, let's get to work. You want to change you so you can become a woman only a fool would leave.

If she still leaves, then maybe she's a fool. But you'll still be better off. So don't keep asking yourself if you should bother changing or working on yourself

b/c she might still go. That means the changes are just 'tactics" to get her back, as opposed to genuine self improvement.

Don't blow this chance to become the best you possible. It makes the pain of this ordeal, sorta worth it.

And if you miss out on the chance for change/growth, then you miss out on so much of life.

This is your future so dig deep...

And keep posting.

Me: 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
Wants to work on things: 1/12
She decides to move across country: 2/12
Move date scheduled for April 12.