What are the thoughts on some of the canned responses some posters are leaving? I do like that people are quickly replying to new people, but the canned responses seem impersonal.
I understand what you mean, but as someone who was new not all that long ago, I really appreciated them. I just wanted to hear from someone, and typically they were pointing me in a good direction (an old post to read, etc)
I don't think they are impersonal, especially when you are still on moderation and anxious to get a response.
Yes, they can be impersonal... yet like Autumn mentions, I remember when I first arrived and even a canned response was better than dead air... like no one even saw me...
As we all know, it can get busy here and threads can quickly drop to the third and forth pages... and some sitchs seem to demand a lot of attention at times, so some may miss those new members... it helps to pop their threads to the top so others might notice...
I used to try to welcome new members with more personal welcome posts and it helped me as it was my way to contribute in a meaningful way, when I didn't feel I had anything else to really contribute back...
The two that are frequently done really address yourself and are really good start. Because of the post approval delay everything starts off slow, so its just have to some guidance up front. I appreciated them when I got them!
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Brian if you don't like them maybe I can suggest that you find all the newbies and make a personal response to them all as soon as they post or as soon as there post is released from moderation which then may put it pages behind all the others that were made after them.
I don't mean to make light of your concern. I get it.
But the thing is, I've posted thousands of times here, literally. And my posts tend to be long as it is. SO, there is an "economy of words" I am trying to use. Often by quoting another post that I've marked or copied b/c it struck me as being on point for many. That way I can say something of use to someone in need, quickly.
But you know what? I also find that 3/4 of the folks here need a fairly "standard" response at the start...
it's triage really. AND don't forget the "scripted" predictability of many WASs that the newbie won't know.
So it can make sense to give out a "recipe" for starting out, as the foundation for MOST DBing is the same.
Later on as we find their own idiosyncrasies I know I try to target their needs.
But as it is, I take too long with my posts. It's like a part time job for me. (Not complaining, just saying).
So I'm not sure what the alternative is, other than not answering or answering a much lower number of people.
Do you have a suggestion?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You know I didn't even realize some of the stuff was canned until about a week in. When I first started everything seemed like gold. Like 25 said a lot can be easily applied to multiple cases.
Personally I got tired of keeping with tons of threads, so I pick threads that speak out to me, that I can relate to, or that I feel I can provide a point of view others can't. The reason I can provide tailored and pin point advice is because I know others are covering the basics.
