Not sure where to start

[wishing, hoping]

I left her office in tears. I mean I was absolutely sobbing. It took me hours to calm myself down.

[NLW]

WH,
So sorry for you having to hear this. What rubbish!

It might help you to know that my H's OW masquerades as a relationship counsellor.
Just imagine the sort of advice this predator gives to women who seek out her advice!
She is a divorcee who has pursued my H relentlessly, telling him that children are 'resilient' to divorce and offering the services of her lawyer.

I realise that she represents the worst-case counsellor scenario, but it just goes to show that counsellors are only (inadequate/interested) human beings, not necessarily knowledgable 'experts'.

[wishing, hoping]

Wow that s incredible NLW. How do these people sleep at night?

[MrBond]

Get a new C asap. My first C said there was nothing he could do and that we were going to D. That was over 3 years ago and I ran into him recently. He was honestly shocked that we were still together.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks for the positive reinforcement. My c just kept telling me how sad my sitch was. Yes thank you I am well aware just how sad it is.

[wishing, hoping]

Think I might sign up for some dance classes. Always wanted to try that and you are never too old to learn, right?

[wishing, hoping]

Journaling:

Mornings are always difficult for me. Waking up with the realization that my H Wants a divorce. That our home will more than likely be put up for sale and our kids will have to endure being split between us. My H wants to be amicable and remain good friends but I just dont know how I can do that. I am trying to detach but it aint easy. I dont follow him around the house, I don't call him unless he calls me first, I dont initiate conversation and try to be upbeat and cool and positive and happy. The GAL is difficult because he has been gone at least part of the weekend every weekend since December. I try not to sit around the house and get the kids out but it is hard since my D is young and needs naps. Finding a sitter isn't always easy either since I have no family around. Seems like a good reliable sitter is never available on a Saturday night.

Trying to get over the emotional roller coaster is not easy. I hate this feeling.

[wishing, hoping]

Journaling:

Took the kids to church today. Promised myself I would not mope around the house today. It was a nice service and it felt good to sing the hymns. I have wanted to get back to going to church for a few years now but the H never showed much interest and I did not push the issue.

I felt like a sinner waiting to be stoned. I felt like all eyes were staring at my ring finger that has no ring any longer. I tell you that is so hard not to wear that ring which once meant everything and now means nothing and it is even harder to see H's finger with no ring when before he would never take it off. Never.

We started singing "How Great Thou Art" and the tears started flowing. It brought back my father's passing, my step-dad's passing and reminded me of who I used to be before I was married. My S saw me crying and was so concerned. I thank God every day for my wonderful kids. I don't know what I would do without them. I just wish H would have some consideration for them because he only cares about himself.

So taking S for a haircut, out to lunch and some shopping. Hopefully I can keep my mind off things

[wishing, hoping]

So I am still DB'ing. Trying my 180's. Continuing to control my temper and to be a more relaxed mom with the kids and to not raise my voice. I am finding it difficult to control my emotions. I get too caught up in thinking about what the future holds. I need to let go of what I have no control over. Another 180 is to not be such a control freak. To let go and to let God.

Last night my son had a soccer game and we all rode together as a family. It is so hard knowing that my H has no connection to me and doesn't want to have a connection to me. Inside I am screaming. But on the outside trying to look cool and collected. Son had a good game and the H was very responsive and open to me and even managing to talk to me a few times about the game (which he never ever does because he gets so involved with the game).

When we got home he asked if I was giving our daughter a bath, which I said no, it's too late and she's too tired. After I helped D get her pajamas on he asked me if I would make him a drink while he held her. So I did and he thanked me.

I got ready for bed and he was working on the laptop doing some work emails. He proceeded to talk to me about work and some issues going on. I listened, didn't interrupt and validated what he was saying. He hardly opens up and talks to me like that anymore which really hurts because he used to tell me everything.

I don't really have any expectations, but it's hard to have hope without expectations. I also can't tell if he is just feeding me crumbs or if he is really feeling more comfortable with me and that is why he is opening up.

There are moments I just want to shake him and tell him to wake up and get out of this fog. But, I can't. That would make things worse. I just need to keep up my 180s, become a better person and develop more strategies to GAL.

[nhmom]

It sounds like you're doing great with your 180's. Keep up the good work!