My bizarre situation

[tnmom66]

Well, we agreed to both go our separate ways, but after 2 weeks of calm, he decided I was moving too fast with a new guy I have met (actually have known casually for a couple of years, but he is moving in on me now that I'm "available"). The 'new' guy was going to come to church with me but my daughter's father decided that he didn't want her to go to church with me if another man was going to be sitting with me.

I really over reacted. Maybe. I pretty much exploded and told him this was they same old, "I don't care what you do, but if you have another man in your life, she doesn't need to be spending so much time with you." My choice, to have my daughter in my life, or a man. I don't think any judge would give him more time with her. He has her almost half the time right now, and I don't think anyone would give him more than that.

I told him this is just going to keep happening. And as our daughter gets older and talks more about what is going on in her life when she is with me, he will always be looking for something to get upset about.

I would like to try again to work things out with him. He won't leave me in peace. He will always be interfering in my life. If he is the man in it, he will have less to worry about.

I have been thinking how this reminds me of when I was pregnant with a unwanted child and I had two hard choices..adoption or keeping her. Either one would cost a lot, but I think in the end I made the right decision. It was 100% MY decision, though. What kind of relationship I have with my child's father is not 100% up to me.

[kml]

You told him exactly what needed to be said. And frankly, when it is your day to have her, he doesn't have any right to say whether you have a guy around her or not (although, to be fair, I don't think kids should meet the people their parents are dating until they have been dating at least six months and it is clear it is going to be a stable long-term relationship. It's not fair to the kids to get attached to people who come and go.)

[tnmom66]

I should clarify...I was not bringing him to church with me; he was going to meet me there. We would arrive separately and leave separately. He honestly would probably have little interest in coming to my church other than to see it as a way to spend time in my presence.

I certainly was not going to introduce him to my kids as my boyfriend. He is NOT my boyfriend and probably never will be. But who am I to tell him he isn't welcome to come to my church?

I wouldn't introduce people to my kids as my "significant other" unless they really were such.

I am kind of sad about this. This made me think again that it would be best to try to work things out. He says he doesn't want to. He wishes he could, because it would be good for our daughter and would make things easier on everybody.

This has been a setback for me. I was cruising along just fine. Seeing 2 different guys who enjoy my company. It is nice to have someone enjoy being with me rather than having someone spend time with me because he feels like he "has" to, not because he "wants" to.

Part of me wishes we could go back like it was in the beginning. Not just for the child, but for US. We were happy. I have developed a bit of my own intimacy issues. I have one guy I feel very safe and comfortable with because he is recovering from his own divorce and isn't looking to get serious. Just needs a friend. The other guy is in HOT pursuit and it makes me uncomfortable. I am afraid of getting in a new relationship. I am afraid of getting hurt, of loving more than I am loved, but most of all, I am afraid I'll get used for sex. I want to save sex and even deep kisses till I am in love with a man who wants to marry me. I was told by one man that men have sex first then decide whether they love the woman or not. I just about wanted to throw up when I heard that. I don't believe it, anyway. The right man for ME (if there is one) won't have that attitude and will respect me for my decision to "save myself" for my husband. So, I'm not a virgin, but I have decided to keep sex within marriage or at least wait till a formal engagement.

Since almost every man who has been interested in me wants to get into my pants after the first date, you can understand how I'm a little leery. I already have 2 kids with an ex husband and one child with a man who never wanted more than a "friends with benefits" relationship.

I am actually pretty cautious, I think. Why would I invite a man into my children's life when I'm not even sure I want him in MY life?

[NYCPeter]

I was told by one man that men have sex first then decide whether they love the woman or not.

Well that's BS - I can honestly say I've only truly loved two women and I loved them both way before we had sex. In fact - the anticipation made it even better.

[tnmom66]

I have discovered a new acronym on a website...WUMTHS-waitiung until marriage to have sex. I guess there are more people doing it than we would think!

I am afraid my heart is still with my baby's dad. I am going to try again, even though I announced some time back that I had "given up the fight". He is not actively pursing a relationship with anyone else...I think he knows he isn't capable of having a happy marriage. I have been dating but have been very dissatisfied. It isn't what my heart wants. I can enjoy the company of someone who wants to be with me, but nobody who has really been interested in me is anyone I would want to marry.

I guess I will keep my profile up and keep meeting guys...maybe I'll eventually meet 'the one'. But at the same time, I would like to start over again with my little one's father. There has been a lot that has happened over the past 4 years between us. I really was pretty content a lot of the time last year and I almost didn't break away from him. Well, it wasn't a very close relationship to "break away" from. But I miss him. We used to spend every Monday night having supper out as a family. But he hasn't invited me to his house in almost 3 years.

I feel like I might try something different. Or try the same thing, and maybe will see a different result, since the time is different.

I am continuing to make myself more attractive physically. I also want to work on my attitude. I think I have gotten myself into trouble with my ex on several occasions because I pressed him for "relationship talks" or "clarity" on things. Whenever I ask him if he wants to work on the relationship (other than back in the fall) he says "no". When I asked him if he wanted to kiss me, he said "no" but when I simply started kissing him casually one day when we were both relaxed and in a good mood, he responded in a way that really surprised me! Maybe he needs a little less talk and a lot more action. Maybe I need to read his "signals" better and not push him or get irritated when he seems to be pulling away. I really think that if I hadn't pursued him or interrogated him some times when he was pulling back, he would have come back to ME.

I don't think anyone realizes how serious I am about my relationship with this man and how much I see that nobody else would fit as well into my life. I know he has emotional issues. But he is a good man. I can't really find much fault in him as a human being. I think maybe he needs acceptance and he knows that I am irritated by him being "commitmentphobic" and he gets defensive.

I have a plan...
1. Work on my attitude. Radiate happiness. That will make me more attractive to EVERYONE. And I'll feel better and will accomplish more and even my kids will enjoy me more.
I really need to start with a CLEAN SLATE. He has not done or said anything to me in the past 4 years that upset me that I have not confronted him about. He has maintained that he has never meant to hurt me and that he wants me to be happy. I need to take those statements at face value. Maybe I should also take at face value the statements like "I don't want to talk about getting back together again", but I think the key is DOING, not TALKING.
2. I need to work on keeping my house and car more tidy. That is something I know he is concerned about. I have had a health crisis for the past couple of months that seems to be behind me, so I am hoping to get things under control.
3. I need to invite him to my house for dinner and a movie. He will come, I am sure. I haven't asked him since December. We need time together, even if it is FAMILY time and not the COUPLE time he hasn't wanted to schedule with me. I really do miss him, and at the same time I feel like he is such a stranger. I want to get to know him all over again.

Basically, I want to do what I know he likes, and NOT do what he DOESN'T like. I need to stop being so reactive and resentful. Again, CLEAN SLATE. I need to act as if he likes me, he enjoys my company, and he thinks I am fun and pretty.

I am trying to remember when we were most happy with each other, and it was always when I was not expecting anything from him. If I can act like he is any new man I am dating, and wanting to have fun with when we are together, and not expecting anything "serious" from....what will happen?

I want to see. I wish I had someone who would support and encourage me in my effort, but I guess I will have to settle for Michele's books and just pretend that I am Divorcebusting. I really do feel more bound to this man because of our child. He is far, far more than "just" an ex-boyfriend. I am seeing a therapist who is encouraging me to GAL and he is NOT encouraging me to put a lot of time and effort into this relationship. He thinks me sitting and waiting passively will never get results I want. He thinks the only way I will have ANY chance with my ex is if I seem desirable and available to other men and I am not chasing HIM or acting desperate. My therapist does think that my ex and I might be able to work out a mutually satisfying relationship if we are both willing to compromise a little. We were happy before. We can be happy again. But he can't stand being pressured or pursued. If I can be cheerful and lighthearted and make every interaction a positive one, and maybe flirt a little, work in a little touching or teasing at some point (nothing serious). If I can make him SMILE and smile WITH HIM, we might start to get back to where things were. But if we DO, I need to enjoy what I get, expect him to pull back (he always has), and trust that I know him well enough and can read him well enough to know how he NEEDS me to respond in order for him to come back around sooner.

I don't have high expectations. I am willing to settle for what he can give me.

Our daughter wants us to be together. It would be so great if I could spend more time with us all together, or even stay overnight with them. She says "I miss you so much!" when she comes back from an overnight with him, yet I know how much she enjoys her time at his house. Seeing my daughter happy is worth a lot. My older kids would rather me not bring another man into their lives. They both like my ex. My life would be so much less complicated if HE could be the one to meet my needs. He did it before and I am confident that he can do it again. We met EACH OTHER'S needs very well.

Well, I'll talk over my plan with my therapist this week. I think he will approve, as long as I don't stop seeing other men until my EX decides he wants me all for himself and can give me a little of what I need.