am i better off without him?

[scaredsilly]

i'm giving him space now. he even asked for it. i'm visiting my sister in ohio and it's much easier to detach than when i'm home alone. he works out of town during the week and can come home on weekends but has chosen not to. at least here, i'm not walking on egg shells and trying to figure out what he's thinking or how to say something correctly.
i am trying to make myself a better person, one day at a time. i'm trying to have more compassion and empathy for everyone i come into contact with. it's so easy sometimes to forget that we are all in this "human race" together and all plodding along as best we think we can.

i've also started getting involved with things to take my mind off the situation. i took some ballroom dance lessons and have put all my photographs that were stored in boxes and tins into photo albums for my son to have one day. i put them all in chronological order (as best as i could) so he would have a photo history of my life, his father's, and his own after i'm gone. it's something i've been meaning to do for years.

i'm also getting out with my sister to a local jazz club (in the kroger grocery store, of all places) and that's been so much for for me and for her. it's wonderful to listen to good music and watch people having fun!

i've spiffed up my wardrobe some, too. i put off clothes purchases for a long time, trying to save money for all the things my husband wanted (houses, boats, rental properties, child support) but now i'm enjoying looking good. i lost 50 lbs. so i feel much better about myself and my appearance.

my biggest fear is returning home next week. my husband will be back from out-of-town work and i'm so afraid to be around him. it will be so unnatural. he does not initiate physical affection and that's one of my top love languages so it will be hard to not touch. his top love language is doing things together so we'll see if he initiates some of that. very scary...