Pursuit and Distance

[Accuray]

"The Solo Partner" says that the distancer will believe they can get more out of the relationship than they are willing to put into it. When the pursuer stops pursuing, they feel this loss and want it back, so they'll do just enough to try to restore it.

This was the quote that struck me from the chapter as well. It basically means that at whatever level you decide on for your pursuing, their reciprocation input will always be less. And it's not just a lack of understanding, like Men/Mars and Women/Venus issues. It's a lifestyle for them. I know (I've proven) for me, that just doesn't work. I'm worried for you because you clearly want more, AND you're willing to give more, but your W isn't. Period.

I guess that's not what I concluded from it. What I concluded from it is that as long as you pursue, your distancer will not, so you are always wanting more. When you get frustrated, you'll naturally back off, and when the distancer sees that they'll get nervous and pursue you enough to get your pursuit going again, then they run away.

I think what the book is suggesting is that if you break the cycle and don't pursue, even when the distancer seeks to suck you back in, then you can permanently upset the relationship dynamics. What happens next though isn't clear -- the implication is that you'll find a new point of equilibrium that is better balanced.

The book "The Passion Trap" addresses the same issue from a slightly different perspective. It talks about people being "one up" and "one down" in a relationship, where the one up is the distancer and the one down is the pursuer. It says that the one-up is as uncomfortable with the situation as the one-down because they feel they can never give enough, or the one-down is too critical, too needy etc. etc.

That model is slightly different because the one-up is not portrayed as selfish. That book suggests that when the one-down stops pursuing, the one-up will feel relief and will now have space to increase their contribution to the relationship.

So in "Solo Partner" model, the distancer enjoys being pursued and expects to get more from the relationship than they want to put in.

In the "Passion Trap" model, the one-up does not enjoy being pursued, and doesn't contribute more because they are effectively crowded out by the one-down.

In either model, backing off should lead to increased engagement by the one-up / distancer, and I have observed this short-term. Mid-term, it's creating problems. W doesn't know what's going on and is having trouble adjusting.

I've observed that she's been peppering in comments which I perceive as designed to "keep me in my place" as the one-down. She's said "It's not about me" several times with regard to physical affection, she said "there's nothing you can do for me, but you already knew that" with regard to ML, etc. I don't respond to that, but the only interpretation I have is that she feels the landscape shifting and wants to stay on top.

It will definitely be interesting to see how this unfolds.

Accuray