JS I am very similar regarding social stuff. I need to allow myself to get closer. It is something that needs to be learned. It is a matter of trust I think.
I am right behind you in this process. Never knew how hard it would be. Be well
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hey JS, Just checking in to say hello, I know what you mean about looking at some of the old emails from sp, some can really bring you back. Hope all is well with you, take care S/F
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
We all 2nd guess some of our actions. I think this is natural.
If you would have pushed the D through, do you think it would have been possible to handle the situation as gracefully as your have?
Would you have been able to make decisions without the negative emotions getting in the way?
Would you have been able to love yourself as well moving that fast?
IMO - If and only if you can answer YES to all of the above is there an argument (a very small one) for your question of loving your wife better.
Loving someone in the way they DESERVE is not the same as loving someone in the way they WANT.
Because you didn't get the reaction you wanted or hoped for, doesn't mean your actions were wrong.
You did the best you could.. in a sh!tty situation. Hold your head high and move forward with the peace that you loved your w to the best of your ability.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
@Rick:Trust , yes and putting ourselves in conducive situations.
@Gunny: Ack, those emails were from my W, the person I am dealing with now is the alien, and the fever must run its course, I have done all I could or knew to do. Semper Fidelis
@Val: Truthfully pressing her to hurry the D through would have been a tactic and would have likely left me bitter and more than a little angry. A friend of a friend took this tack and the outcome is neither pretty nor productive.
Journaling: At the end of February I took the box of W’s personal items that have meaning to her and left them at her Aunt’s house. It was another instance of Daniel in the lion’s den. W was not present and her Aunt pushed on a few buttons. I chose to leave after my business there was complete and went about the remaining business of the day. I suppose not reacting is an action in itself.
Several days later I received an email from W expressing surprise about receiving our children’s pictures, then pressing for additional items, her sewing machine, and a sewing kit she inherited from a great Aunt. This is silly and mundane, but I will detail it here anyway.
When W graduated HS her parents purchased a sewing machine for her as a graduation present. It did not function well and W lost interest in it. This graduation present was sold at a tag sale. We later received a sewing machine as an anniversary present. It functioned and I use it to make the occasional repair, like fixing a hem or a seam that has let go.
I decided I will keep the machine and explained why. I also explained I have no idea where her great Aunt’s sewing kit is. She responded that she forgot what happened to her graduation present and was just checking to see if I would give her the machine she remembered. She will also check her storage unit and with the family she placed items at to see if they can locate the sewing kit. She surprised me with the civility of her email.
During the entirety of our marriage W would mention slights her parents had visited upon her. One of these related to a set of silver plated candle sticks she insisted her parents stole from her. I have a concern the sewing kit will become the candles sticks as W speaks to our children and grandchildren in the years to come. I have decided if I believe she is making an issue of it to purchase a replacement, stock it and give it to her. The whole thing probably will not come to more than a few hundred dollars if that and if doing so gun decks the issue it’ll be well worth the expense.
My cousin drove up from KY last week and we spent a day together. He needed a place to crash and I helped him remove some storm damage from a friend’s house the following day. All tolled we spent about a day together. It is odd, last year I spent more time with him hunting out of state and went home without a thought about it. This time perhaps because he stayed at my house I was lonely for a couple of days after. Nothing dramatic, just odd.
I spoke to my son last weekend; his little girl is only waking once during the night now. She will be two month old in a few days. I told him he was lucky and to appreciate his blessings. He told me W and her Aunt will visit for the first time in a few days. This caused a few moments of envy for me, but I managed to wish him a good visit with his mother. He laughed and told me he and his wife planned upon taking full advantage of the baby sitting service offered.
Barring further complication the D will be final on April 3rd. I am at a good place emotionally for the most part. Not healed, but better. Last night mom told me to get out there and start dating, to go find another woman. I told her it will be awhile yet before I will be able to trust like that again.
In the mean time Daytona has run, Spring training has started, the sugar bushes are cooking, and the drakes near the pond have staked out territory. Though the red wings have not arrived yet the season of renewal is close, time to move past last year and make it a good summer.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hey stunned, Glad to hear you are in a decent place. Spring is coming, a new beginning, I am definately looking forward to it. Stay well my friend. Semper Fidelis
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
I'm glad she was civil about the whole thing. It's sad when we are surprised by our WAS acting "civil" or "nice"...
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
I spoke to my son last weekend; his little girl is only waking once during the night now. She will be two month old in a few days. I told him he was lucky and to appreciate his blessings. He told me W and her Aunt will visit for the first time in a few days. This caused a few moments of envy for me, but I managed to wish him a good visit with his mother. He laughed and told me he and his wife planned upon taking full advantage of the baby sitting service offered.
Well done JS. Your son's a lucky man to have a dad like you.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
Barring further complication the D will be final on April 3rd. I am at a good place emotionally for the most part. Not healed, but better. Last night mom told me to get out there and start dating, to go find another woman. I told her it will be awhile yet before I will be able to trust like that again.
You sound like you are in a good place JS. I dread signing my papers but at the same time.. I feel like it will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
When it's time for you to date again, your heart will know. Until then.. enjoy the life you have built for yourself.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
@Gunny: The red wings showed up two days after I posted and of course the buzzards were sighted at Hinckley on time. I’ve started a small house garden. Ownership of the house is still up in the air, but I expect it to resolve in my favor. Yes, the gear continues to improve. I remember trading for an old sand filled flak vest because I could use it as a rest and it made a good pillow. I wonder if DD 782 is still used.
@Val: You’ve helped me grow in obscure ways I shall have to explain some day.
Journaling: I have history with a friend going back to kindergarten. He is an alcoholic in his 23rd year of recovery. A long time ago he told me a person’s development arrests at about the age they begin to drink. I am certain my memory of his statement is clouded and someone here will correct me.
This memory started me thinking and applying some of what I have learned over the last couple of years. IDK perhaps I am rewriting history a bit also, but some of this fits and thinking about this differently is helping me.
W had childhood traumas she would talk about mostly dealing with slights perceived by her. She brought them up many times usually when attempting to compare her childhood to someone else’s. There was always something left unsaid. Prying would cause her to become angry and defensive. Late last year her sister told me W had been molested as a teenager by a friend of her grandfather.
I believe some of the issues we had stem from those occurrences and my inability to properly perceive what was causing W reactions. I believe W has to some extent retreated back to the age she was traumatized at and is trying to cope again from that point. This is not the only cause and people are more complex than this. I understand she is in therapy to help her adjust to this divorce. I pray she is able to discuss the other issues she has and finds a way to resolve those also.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
It would be wonderful if your W could resolve the issues stemming from that time in her life, and that event particularly. I feel that if she does, though, she will regret a lot getting the D from you. You have shown such patience and grace toward her during her crazy time. You have taught me something about that.
Have you seen your grand-daughter yet?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Stunned, Glad to hear the ex is in therapy, that is always a good sign that someone is trying to work things out in their mind. Keep us posted, SEMPER FI
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
JS, I am very glad to hear you are in a good place.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
I believe some of the issues we had stem from those occurrences and my inability to properly perceive what was causing W reactions. I believe W has to some extent retreated back to the age she was traumatized at and is trying to cope again from that point. This is not the only cause and people are more complex than this. I understand she is in therapy to help her adjust to this divorce. I pray she is able to discuss the other issues she has and finds a way to resolve those also.
I hope your W is able to discuss some of the other issues. I think you're probably correct - those issues are not the cause of what's going on, but it's likely they are contributors. As you know, the D is heaping more emotional baggage on top of the pile of baggage she already has. Who knows? She may progress enough to the point where it'll be up to her to convince you she had changed. I think you have the right idea, though. Keep moving forward with this new life you're building for yourself.
