The Climb - Thread #6

[25yearsmlc]

Wow...thanks everyone. Lots for me to digest here (that is a good thing).

A couple quick things:


Kaffe & Karma - I agree that the liquid courage had a lot to do with her blow up and that she was setting me up with her comment about me and other H.

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Denver - You are right...there is a lot of hurt there, whether it is all my fault or not. When I say I am not putting up with W, I mean that I point out that W and I have covered particular ground, that I have taken responsibility for your actions, apologized, and have taken steps to correct. I definitely know better than to invalidate her at this point...even if she is wrong, it's not going to do me any good to tell her that. The problem here is that I've been feeding into her victim mentality. By saying I wasn't as bad as other H, I was trying to draw a boundary on what I would and wouldn't be blamed for. You are correct that she probably took it as invalidation though.


regardless of feeling invalidated, her beliefs are harmful and inaccurate.

Deny being like the other h, period.

"I'm not him and never was. I refuse to be blamed for how that marriage affected you. It's over. We are in this marriage now and you are the one dragging it down.

I've tried to help & be patient, but this really is your work to do. I want & deserve to be much better treated."

Do not play into her victim mentality b/c that makes YOU the victimizer.


That was the first time I've ever been the one to leave the bed. I honestly think that in this case it had the exact effect that everyone is telling me I need to create here. It made her fear that she had finally gone too far with me...and that is why she apologized the next morning. She has never apologized for getting upset with me in the past.

interesting

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25 - thanks again for your posts and helping me and everyone else here. You rule. I think my biggest "crime", in my wife's eyes, was that I didn't listen to her when she was trying to tell me she was unhappy for quite a long time (as a result of the computer games and being out golfing/biking) She swears that she did...I think she definitely could have done a better job being clear with me...but it is what it is. I didn't catch on until she had a foot out the door. Typical WAW story from DB.


blah blah blah...She's NOT a Typical WAW here... 95% if WAWs around here have real crap h tales to tell. Your wife doesn't.

If she went to Retrovaille and heard the marriage problems being worked out THERE, she'd be mortified to have complained, let alone to have damaged your family by over reacting to your flaws as a human. She's painting a picture that is not real. And she's the one with the problem.

If that "neglect" is all you did for real, STFU and drop it. I'm sorry b/c I'm in a hurry now and sound abrupt, but I'd have to say ENOUGH!!

My h is getting deployed, which sukks financially/emotioinally and parentally. His pay will be cut in half, and before that we had his terminally ill mother here, who I DID the bulk of the care for, almost 24/7, b/c his salary was higher and his hours were long and it stressed me out big time. She passed away and it really took a toll.

H was also gone A LOT for work and I was alone with her AND the kids at night...H could have been much more appreciative in my opinion but hey, HIS mother was the one dying. He was hurting more than me.

My point is, all that happened POST DBing and I didn't whine about it or withdraw. I sukked it up. We're adults. Your "crimes" are misdemeanors at worst.


I know I'm not the problem at this point.

thank God for that^^^

I have had numerous friends of W and I ask (unsolicited) how things are going because they've heard things from other friends. I just say I'm hanging in there. Then they tell me what a great thing I'm doing and what a great guy I am.

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GB - the flag aide thing was only a temp gig for January. I'm back to my normal job now. I agree that I need to start pointing out when she's treating me like crap more often.
The reason I don't is because when I have in the past, she gets upset and tells me she's tired of me making her feel like a jerk.

so she sees no connection between her behavior and your reaction? Convenient.

Pretty sure she's beating herself up internally but doesn't want to admit it.

hmmm, maybe you should not assume this^^^..(I wouldn't).

Same thing for when she feels "judged". She's constantly judging herself and won't admit that to herself, so she blames me for her feeling judged.


You are mind reading here. And besides, you can judge the BEHAVIOR without judging the person.

If she steals, identfy the act as a theft. You are not judging HER but you are able to say "that is stealing and it's wrong"...

the idea that you stating the truth upsets her - and so it stops you from doing that, is...pretty wacky. How has it been working so far?

I'm not sure about the whole Nice Guy philosophy. I've read that a couple times and while a lot of it definitely speaks to me, I'm not sure it would help me get what I want in my case.

GB is a big proponent of it, says it helped him and I know some other guys here say that too.

But what I read turned me off b/c it felt retaliatory and immature. But my m is perhaps just different. (And maybe I misunderstood it?)

But all these ideas are things for you to consider, separate the chaff from the wheat and use what you believe will work for YOU. So far, we know what has not worked.


Anyways, I think I will give the fake date thing a shot. Tell W I'm going to grab a drink or something after work a few times over the next few weeks and see what happens. Can't hurt anything to try it.

If you are smart about it, I don't see any downside. (Don't get drunk, of course. She'd love that).

But be happy, for real. You deserve it. Plus, who knows? You might get a reaction like Denver's wife gave him...IN TIME....