Considering Quixote

[25yearsmlc]

25yrs,
Some things I've been learning about myself:
My pacivity (which has even been apparent and called out by some on this thread) is a big part of my draw to pornography. ML with W is kinda hard for me; so much focus and effort required. porn is way easy and doesn't ask for anything from me.


Wow that^^^ is very honest. Thank you. So, Have you realized anything else about yourself as you read that again? What does it say about you as a lover or husband?
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How about you imagine your wife saying that making love to you "is kinda hard for me; so much focus an effort required.."

Would you feel your wife was a generous lover if she said that?

And make no mistake, women rarely "just lay there," so let's not argue about who does the "Work" in making love.

I don't know any women who want to just lay there. They'd much prefer truly making love. But if their h has made it clear that it's for him only, what's the point of getting into it if it ultimately only frustrates them more?

So if your wife had said making love to you required too much effort and focus, Would you feel very valued by her? Would you think she sounded mature?

How much Would you think she valued your sexual satisfaction?

Making love is an act of profound intimacy. It's a mutual, bonding act.

Aside from physical gratification, Making love can be a source of comfort in grief, a celebratory act or even parental pride after a child reaches a milestone...and it's a unitive act.

Making it all about how fast/efficiently you can achieve your personal goal sure misses the boat, imo. I believe you will be happier when you take that all in and make changes there.

I am not going to go into graphic detail about porn and "self servicing"

but I will say it can be VERY selfish in a marriage.


I have not been a very competitive person in a lot of ways.
I'm suspicious that some of my behavior over the last 11 years has been due to R dynamics and stress, etc.

But since all of us have stress, (and we all do) isn't this really about not having the TOOLS for managing it? The good news is you can get those tools.

We had 3 caulicky kids before I was 24, I always struggled to have close friends other than W, etc. W was often moody and when she was hungry she was pretty un-fun to be around. That isn't to say I'm not truly addicted and just need to take a communication course and GAL and snap out of it, though.


when three kids are colicky, wasn't your wife the one who provided the bulk of the care? You SEEM to be saying porn was partially a poor reaction to stress.
Even if true (and it might be)

Doesn't some of her behavior make more sense now?

If anyone were to snap, based on chronic sleep deprivation and no breaks, wouldn't it be her?

Dad was a gentle and nice man, but it always made me want to scream how he would constantly leer at women.

I figured you learned it somewhere. Without knowing how he treated your mom, it's hard to know if he was disrespecting the women, and or resented them, or what.

But You know, we all inherit beliefs and traits from our parents. Some good, some bad.

We can release the traits & beliefs that are false OR just are not working in our lives....

He is actually in SA as well, and his valley was deeper and darker than mine, but I didn't know any of this until recently. I am certainly convinced that I inherited a predisposition.
Among the mountain of things I'm trying to read right now, I'm really identifying with "No More Mr. Nice Guy" that I saw recommended on this site.
I think that, as for this forum, that's probably enough insight to my issue. I am certainly digging much deeper, on my own and in other communities. I know people here see enough to make one's toes curl, and I will answer any other questions you have. But I shy away from further disclosure here. I hope it is modesty and not shame.

understood.