The Climb - Thread #6

[Navyguy]

Wow...thanks everyone. Lots for me to digest here (that is a good thing).

A couple quick things:

W is on her way to visit BFF in Ohio right now. She won't be back until Sunday, so I have 4 days to get a clear mind.

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Kaffe & Karma - I agree that the liquid courage had a lot to do with her blow up and that she was setting me up with her comment about me and other H.

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Denver - You are right...there is a lot of hurt there, whether it is all my fault or not. When I say I am not putting up with W, I mean that I point out that W and I have covered particular ground, that I have taken responsibility for your actions, apologized, and have taken steps to correct. I definitely know better than to invalidate her at this point...even if she is wrong, it's not going to do me any good to tell her that. The problem here is that I've been feeding into her victim mentality. By saying I wasn't as bad as other H, I was trying to draw a boundary on what I would and wouldn't be blamed for. You are correct that she probably took it as invalidation though.

That was the first time I've ever been the one to leave the bed. I honestly think that in this case it had the exact effect that everyone is telling me I need to create here. It made her fear that she had finally gone too far with me...and that is why she apologized the next morning. She has never apologized for getting upset with me in the past.

Awesome to hear you and W are making some real progress. I think we have both been at this about the same length of time...seems like we keep going back and forth as far as who has made the most progress. Must be that whole roller coaster thing at work.

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25 - thanks again for your posts and helping me and everyone else here. You rule. I think my biggest "crime", in my wife's eyes, was that I didn't listen to her when she was trying to tell me she was unhappy for quite a long time (as a result of the computer games and being out golfing/biking) She swears that she did...I think she definitely could have done a better job being clear with me...but it is what it is. I didn't catch on until she had a foot out the door. Typical WAW story from DB.

I know I'm not the problem at this point. I have had numerous friends of W and I ask (unsolicited) how things are going because they've heard things from other friends. I just say I'm hanging in there. Then they tell me what a great thing I'm doing and what a great guy I am.

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GB - the flag aide thing was only a temp gig for January. I'm back to my normal job now. I agree that I need to start pointing out when she's treating me like crap more often. The reason I don't is because when I have in the past, she gets upset and tells me she's tired of me making her feel like a jerk. Pretty sure she's beating herself up internally but doesn't want to admit it. Same thing for when she feels "judged". She's constantly judging herself and won't admit that to herself, so she blames me for her feeling judged.

I'm not sure about the whole Nice Guy philosophy. I've read that a couple times and while a lot of it definitely speaks to me, I'm not sure it would help me get what I want in my case.

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Anyways, I think I will give the fake date thing a shot. Tell W I'm going to grab a drink or something after work a few times over the next few weeks and see what happens. Can't hurt anything to try it.