C, in regards to your W interpreting your actions as retaliatory, it's probably coming from some of her own filters, but also probably something you really DID do. She didn't walk out because you were pleasant to live with, and that was before the bomb.
Even if you disagree with her interpretations of your actions, I think it's important for you to understand what actions made her feel that way.
Also, I think women are usually really good at remembering what was said or done, probably more so than men, just because women are more relationally-based. My H will continually deny having said the ugly things he's said, and I only ever made any headway with him because he asked to be video-taped during one of our discussions. The next time I referenced something he said and he adamantly denied it, I was able to rewind the tape and play it for him. When he realized he actually had said it, it was almost like he was watching someone else on the tape. There was absolutely no memory of it at all. The really sad thing is that it had happened only 5 minutes before.
Anyway, point is, maybe it's a combination of men's ability to compartmentalize, their fight mode, being flooding with too many words, having emotional overload --- I don't know. I'm just suggesting that it is VERY possible that you did say the things she said you did and you just don't remember it. One of the most hurtful things in my M is my H's lack of ownership for the pain he causes me. It's bad enough that he does it in the first place, but even more painful knowing he does it so casually/automatically, he doesn't even remember it. I'm just suggesting you give it some consideration and give her some benefit of the doubt.
Second point, regarding the IVF. Either you need to be completely willing/prepared to be a divorced, part-time dad potentially forever with all that it entails, and go blindly down that road of how wonderful it will be to have another child, or these discussions about IVF need to come to a screeching halt. IVF is way too emotional of a scenario to hang it out there and then pull it back in because the D is still looming. It's cruel and unusual. Talking about what to do with the frozen embryos is one thing, the doctor asking your W to let him know immediately about your W's next cycle is way off the deep-end.
I'm afraid that you're going to set yourself up for a major fall simply because you're not being honest and open about how you feel. When the doc asked for her next cycle, that would have been a very good time to speak up. Right now, as much as the D is your focus, you've just made the IVF her focus. If you let that dangle out there and pull the rug out at the last minute, her emotional devastation will turn from the lack of the IVF to anger and insisting on the D. At least that's how I would respond (I've done the IVF thing.)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling her the thoughts that you've expressed here. And you need to do it soon. If she's not willing to hear it, better to know now than later.
