Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[Broken74]

Thanks 25 and everyone, I'm much much better today. My primary doc gave two weeks of Lorazepam and I can tell it has put me on a much more even keel already. I have IC appt at 6:30 tonight as well.

I think the past four days although emotionally wrecking have finally made me come to terms with my sitch. Here are the last comms we had on Sunday.

Me "Can we please meet tomorrow at Ruby Tuesays to talk for a few minutes? In the greand scheme of things I really don't think that is too much to ask".

Her "I have a mid-term due tonight and its 2 hrs long. I will be working late tomorrow because I have an appt in the middle of the work day. I don't think it's a good idea to talk. You ned to make your decisions for you, not based on me. My feelings about us have not chaged. I don't think we could ever truly be happy together."

Me "Your decisions won't allow you to figure that out, you are damaged trying a relationship with antoher damaged person. Why do you refuse to invest any energy in us at all? It has been 7 months since you know anything of significance about me.

Her "That's not ture. We had spent time together and it's clear to me that we are too differnt. Even when Michael and I didn't speak for months I still did not want to be with you".

Me "Cassie this has been the most trying 7 months of my life, I have nhot been myself, and I have been put through absolute hell. Can you seriously in good faith give up without looking to see me now? The things I've done out of unconditional love for you and the kids mean nothing to you?

Her "Your beahvior is still irrational. All of the texting and calling you did this weekend, all because you knew I was with him"

Me "I didn't know you were with anybody you told me you were with friends last night if you recall. I was trying to spend some time with you that's all. So He's met all the kids right?"

Her "Whatever I know you drive by the house"

Me "That's not true not in months"

Her "I'm not answering your questions it's really irrelevant.

Me "How many men have been drug througg your kids lives in the past few years is irrelevant? "

Me "I am done and will file the divorce petition in August as your final parting gift. I am done being a fallback for someone who has zero respect for me".

Her "Take Care. And yes, your check will be in the mail tomorrow and I'll start working on refinancing"

Me "Which you committed to COMPLETE in March, but hey what's a committment right.... I hope you can find some self respect on your journey, Karma has a funny way of making that happen. And I'll be happy to take a check from him, or whomever else is in queue to purchase the car, not a problem."

Her "Shut up. We're not married anymore so I dont have to listen to that kind of [censored] talking from you!!!"

Me "As long as you can sleep at night Cassie... Eventually your conscience will find its way home, I hope for you and the kids sake anyway. "

Her "You're the last person on this PLANET who should be talking to me about living with a concsience. Leave me alone. I've nothing else to say to you. I'll be looking forward to the divorce papers. Let me know in advance when you want to get your things out of the garage please.

Me "Your playing me over Christmas for the car was utterly ludacris.

Her "I never played you! You forced it on me while all the time I was telling you I didn't want to be with you. You are in denial. Get some help. Your pics don't make me jealous. She can have you. Best witshes to you both. Same ole Ben. You will never change"

Me "I forgot "no" is such a hard word lol. I'm all good now. I have changed but you'll never see it. You aren't interested because you're in a fantasy world. When it crashes around you don't call me"

Her "Don't text me again you're out of control"

Me "We didn't even have time to arrange the family unit and make the marriage work. You gave up too easily. Read about it. I'm sorry for my failures, I wish i could go back and fix them because I think we could be happy, we were more often than not. Goodbye

Her: PS Don't mess with my family, friends, or with Michael. We all know how you are so I want to tell you in advance don't start any drama or crap. Just move on. "

Me "Already have, and I'm not, dont' worry nobody will get any Christmas cards..."

Me Later "I want to apologize for everything I said tonight. It's very hurtful to know that you are choosing your affair partner over your husband who tried to do nothing but make you happy and I got angry. I won't bother you anymore and hope you will give thought to what you're doing. If you choose to file in August I won't fight it.

So after this I have been 4 days totally dark, and I think is going to be a long streak, I understand she may never contact me again outside of matters of the car etc. And I am fine with that now.

In the midst of the first big 180 which is goinig dark. Plenty of GAL activities, Golf and Basketball leagues start first week of April. Spending plenty of time with family and friends, its good to get back to doiong thinks I enjoy that the marriage would not afford.

So work to be the best man I can be everyday. I am moving forward with my life, and it looks like my W and SC witll never be a part of it again. That is sad, but in the long run I will probably look at this as the right decision, even though my heart says otherwise. Nothing is over until it's over, but in my mind this is over now and I am at peace with it.

Thank you all for your opinions they are very baluable to me. I will make updates as they come along and chime in others people as I can. I am just happy to not be on edge anymore some of theses silly pills have miraculous effects...