Not sure where to start

[25yearsmlc]

Yes my H's love language is words of affirmation. But is it possible to fill a love tank and still DB at the same time??


You may not "fill" it but you can surely make deposits in it...why wouldn't it be possible to DB while affirming him?

Oh, b/c you think backing off & not challenging his choices, somehow means being cold or aggressive with him?

It does not.

My DB coach advised me to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives h does" and at times that is very hard.

Especially when you compare what the negatives he's doing are...so

DO NOT compare. Lose the scorecard...lose the "grievance list."

If HE brings up HIS grievance list of things you did 4 years ago or more, or never EVER did

and begins extensive marital revisions...-- then choose one of these 2 replies to him...

IF what he says is wildly inaccurate, a lie, or you don't even recall it

(don't say he's lying! I almost did that but my kids heard him & said it DID happen... I just erased it I guess...)

Say "Wow, I really don't recall it that way, but I'm sorry you were hurt/upset."


BUT If you DO recall something regretful about an event he brings up, and part or all of it is on you,

say "I"m sorry about that.

IF I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I would do differently."

Both answers validate his emotions/recall, and neither escalates,

AND both replies also show insight on your end and the desire to do better/change.

As for affirming him--yes compliment him SINCERELY...

not over the top...sometimes just a genuine "thank you" w/eye contact and a pleasant expression is noticed/welcomed. But don't wait for it to be visible to you.

So applaud loudly for that 1% and yes be grateful at least to his face.

It won't be like this forever, and your acting skills WILL surely be used (many of us deserve Oscars, b/c God knows we DO ACT) and you may get nominated for the Mother Teresa Award...

but for now, if you think he's feeling guilty then --CLAP CLAP away...

guilt does not get them home to stay. It leads to resentment. Don't even go there. You want him to feel relaxed, loved & welcome at home, not resented or hated or made to feel like more of a failure than he must already. I mean he's not a sociopath, right? Tension must disappear...even if it requires medical intervention.

**btw if you are not eating right or sleeping right or thinking straight, there are things you can say that hurt your cause. Get help if you need it and at this point, most people DO need it.** No shame there.

(In fact it could demonstrate to your h what seeking help looks like b/c I don't think he knows. The more change he sees in your attitude the more he'll be encouraged by the concept of getting help AND intrigued by your changes.)

If he feels real remorse it'll come to him naturally. Don't even try to manipulate him there...it'll backfire. Trust me on that.

A Russian author once wrote that "when men feel guilt, they attack". Seemed melodramatic at the time, but now I feel differently.

Remember, no matter how "right" you feel, OR ARE, no matter how justified-

do not do what won't help. Period.

Another 180 is to not use a critical tone or critical words. Is it going overboard to compliment? Especially with LRT?

If he makes a gesture of kindness, even LRT would not say to ignore it.

Harsh tones and criticism don't really belong in a happy marriage. They do more damage than most people realize.

You need to be able to compliment without ANY expectation that he'll return the compliment or even allow you to see him noticing it.

GIVE it, don't "trade" it.

If you give him something with strings attached, like your need for some reciprocity, or gratitude from him...

then it's not really being given...make sense?