Outside the Scope of This Report Part 3

[WenikiTiki]

My poor H is one of those white guys who works inside, guess he doesn't tan..... So the tell tale white chin wasn't there.

Oh yes, I had a dream about my H the other night. A complete and total sex dream. Made me laugh in the morning. But I didn't go crawl in bed with him to see if we could reinact it.

I actually stopped going and getting in bed with him. Stopped 2 weeks ago now. The whole other 3 months I was sleeping in the guest room I ended up back in the master bedroom around 3 am.

I did it a few times this incarnation of our on again off again dance. Then decided I just am not up to being this hard on myself. So alone I sleep.

The house tenting won't be done while he is gone, because I haven't scheduled it. I did find more of the evil termites living in furniture today. YUCK!

And I was out to a BBQ with friends tonight and then was on his own for dinner tonight. He appears to have figured it out!

Aloha for now!

[kml]

So - since getting top dollar for the house is integral to YOUR future plans - set an appointment to get the tenting done on a Monday, so you can recruit the kids to help you bag stuff over the weekend. No, it's not fair, H should have to do all the work relating to the divorce, but really, don't bite off your nose to spite your face. It's in YOUR best interest to get this house sold for the best price. Plus, I suspect that the more gung-ho you are on moving forward, the more you drop the rope, the less sure your H is going to be about his decision.

[kml]

(P.S. I never used to notice when my ex shaved or changed his facial hair either lol. I think it ticks them off, when they spend so much effort on it and we don't even notice!)

[~ kd ~]

So - since getting top dollar for the house is integral to YOUR future plans - set an appointment to get the tenting done ...

As much as I am a believer that it is up to the WAS to do the work if they want out, I am in complete agreement to what kml says above.

The sooner the house can go on the market in the best shape possible, the more potential there is to get top dollar before you or your H finally decide to wreck the house of cards you are living in.

While it may appear on the outside that the LBS does not want to rock the boat for fear of capsizing, the harsh reality is that the vessels are leaking and will soon sink anyhow...

So either you are unconsciously biding your time, waiting for the demise of your M (which will happen if the current pattern is any indicator)... or you somehow believe that your H will magically come to his senses...

What's your guess as to your thoughts behind your actions?

To some, it may also look like you are still trying to play the victim, if they weren't privy to your words posted here...

So... how can Wendy take back control of her life?

[~ kd ~]

As it seems I am want to do, these days... I too have a PS (lol):

Remember... if your H is MLC, chances are he's not coming out the other side the man you remembered... maybe some of the good parts will be there, but there will be other parts you don't know and may not like, of course, there could also be better parts, too...

The point is, if you somehow save your M, you could possibly be M to the man your H currently is...

So, do you want to take that chance, or do you want to get moving forward in a positive direction for your future... and if your H changes his mind, you can get to know him again and see if he's someone you want to be in a R with?

Or are you prepared to risk remaining in a M with a man you don't really know and maybe don't even really like...?

That doesn't mean you file D... It just means you move forward...

[WenikiTiki]

I am moving slow for many reasons. Though I am realizing how much he has changed.

I have finally been able to not sit with him and watch TV. By getting this distance I can see he is different. And we honestly don't talk about anything, so I don't know what he is thinking.

What I do know is what is important to me isn't important to him. During one of the many (7) back and forths, he insisted I buy a new car. I also committed to be in charge of the quilt show for my guild. Both these were discussions with him. Now he acts like I did both things on my own.

So I am spending a lot of energy on the quilt show. And it is in May. I already gave up my other volunteer job for next year, am just finishing it up thru June. I've been telling people I'm moving and even been able to tell a few that my husband wants a D. Hard words to say.

I started looking at house prices and formulated a worst case plan. Because I don't know how much we will get for our house, and don't know if we will be able to sell the boat any time soon.

I have been taking stuff to donate, have donated 3 loads this month. So I am parting with excess. I keep talking about doing the Art & Flea sale, well I've been taking vintage stuff and slowing getting rid of treasures that way.

One of the things my H made plain to me is that he thinks my working out is important. And I have kept that up, however hard it is. I found it funny that he worries about my weight, even when he is planning on dumping me.

I no longer believe my H will magically come to his senses. I might have thought that 4 months ago. I think I am just a bit of a mule and whenever I hear him say things that I know OW told him to say, I tend to dig in my heels.

So by not talking to him at all I am doing better, because I'm not hearing her words come out of his mouth. And she was my friend, we spent a lot of time together and I know which thoughts are hers vs. his.

I keep getting my little card out of my wallet where I wrote Labugs take on Acceptance.

She said: Acceptance When your spouse says the're done and there is no working on it - believe that. And move forward. Not accepting their decision (choice) is a form of control. All the words and energy expended on decrying their choice and exclaiming how crazy or blind they are only keeps me stuck and controlled by the situation.

I have read this several times. I also do something silly when my H is in the house, near me. I draw a line in the air and say not my problem, he over there I am over here, we are separate. And I just keep breathing. (No I don't do this when he can see....)

Thanks for all the valuable input. You all are wonderful.

[TRUSTING]

That quote on acceptance is beautiful and in my case so true. As soon as I went with my ex's flow, (accepting the demise of the marriage) he became more frustrated and angry. I think it causes them to look within more and see perhaps what they are missing. You are no longer at their mercy and control and it drives them batty.

[Kimmerz]

Hi Wendy,
Im with Trusting on the Acceptance quote. It's good for us, but also it does make them more frustrated if we go with their flow.

You know what I thought was so crazy is that when I started to treat our situation like the DIVORCE he was wanting so badly, that's when my stbx got VERY ANGRY.

All the sudden I was accused of changing the rules, saying one thing, doing the other, pitting the children against him, you name it, I got it.

Beware this may happen, but don't let it stop you. There are two in a marriage and you BOTH have rights! Stand up for your rights and priveledges you can come away with in the event of a divorce and selling the house and don't ever back down. Damn it girl, YOU EARNED IT!

[BeingMe]

Wendy, I'm gonna copy that quote and stick it on my monitor, so I never forget. Just a month ago, I caught myself wishing/hoping/longing, out of the blue, for a renewal of my M. I ended up crying out of frustration for my foolishness ... sobbed the whole night (no-one was here, so I guess I was just feeling lonesome, which is rare since I like my own company). I know it's over. This proves that even we who have been at it for years, still have those feelings occasionally.

Thanks.

[WenikiTiki]

Today was a good day. I have been working on using all the amazing coupons and offers I get from companies by email/alt universe. Today I had lunch a Chili's with a free dessert. Nice break for me.

I went all by myself and enjoyed it! I also spent $50 at Office Max and will get a $50 gift card from them. Which I will use toward a new sewing table as someone liberated mine.

I then had a doctors appointment. He told me that I can keep taking Ambien to sleep or I can get smart and get myself out of the painful situation I am in. He suggest that by sitting back for so long and not doing something to help myself I am stressing myself too much.

I do know the stress is bothering me. You all know that yourselves. I am tired of always feeling like I am about to pop!

Then I went to the gym to lift weights. Followed by a grocery store trip and home to meet the kids/grandkids for a family dinner. I had called my DIL this morning and told her I needed more moral support from them, to spend some more time with me.

Thankfully she understands. So they left at bedtime. So I got through another evening with H and no talking. I am bothered by his shaving off bis goatee.

He looks like his old self, and it makes me want to talk to him. I have steeled myself not to. He only sent one text to OW tonight, that I saw.

Tomorrow I do yoga in the morning and then have the Art & Flea sale. I packed up some fun random stuff to go with my indigo wear. And my best friend and I are bringing our hula hoops. Some other gals brought theirs last time and us 50 year olds need to represent!