taking the time to watch the wave

[BFloat]

autumn - my eyes were so puffy i had problems w/ my contacts too! lol.

roro - you're right.. i can't regret this relationship because i have 2 incredibly beautiful children. and when they come to me just to cuddle or get random kisses.. it trully is worth it. how's this for a salute? =@ sort of like the fist bump but just one.. with the 2 fingers saluting? do you see it?? lol

i'm going home tomorrow. was supposed to leave friday but now decided to leave tomorrow after lunch instead.

there have been moments where i watched my kids play and thought how beautiful their little lives are.. but there have also been moments of incredibly sadness and heartache.. thinking that this is it.. and remembering H's words to me.. and the silence (apart from the waves) which i often find comforting is killing me.

i need my family.. i need my friends..

yesterday i felt.. done. today, the pain is still there but somewhat dulled.. my gf sent me an email that said i needed to remember that H's words were said to the person i use to be and am not anymore. H may or may not ever know how much i have changed but if he didn't.. it was his huge loss. words that brought me to tears (seems to have happened a lot in these past couple of days) but something i so needed to hear.

i sent H an email letting him know that we may leave tomorrow rather than friday. just wanted to give him a heads up. he sent a message back asking whether i wanted him to be there to help us up or whether i preferred to have some space. either or. i didn't know what to say! thought about accuray's words on someone else's thread about how they needed to act as if they were a catch and not someone to be so easily discarded (he didn't say it in those exact words). i didn't know how to relay that so i finally settled on.. "i'm unsure what time we'll be back. we may not be home until late. if you are there when we get home then i'm sure the kids will be happy. if not i'll figure it out. have a good night". hmmmm... looking back i could have worded it better. i added in the have a good night because i didn't want to be so unfeeling. oh well.

i am a beautiful woman. educated.. loving.. supportive.. compassionate.... ummmmm.. i recycle.. i shower daily.. any man would be lucky to be with me! lol. i'm going to have to keep repeating this until i believe it. i'm awesome!!!

question.. how do you know when you've crossed the line between just being confident to insanely vain and obnoxious??